Fred Flintstone Poetry

There once was a guy dressed as Fred

whose girlfriend sprayed her hair red.

He thought it'd be fun

if he too sprayed his gun.

So good times were waiting ahead.

The party was Halloween Prog.

There was Spongebob and Scooby the dog.

A drink at each stop,

and you drink 'til you drop,

but the drinking was just a prologue.

They drank and drank and drank some more.

Fred passed out once and b'gan to snore.

It was quite a test

as they all progressed.

Fred managed to follow next door.

Fluorescent: the type of hair dye

Fred made Betty use for her guise.

At the end of the night

the dye glowed in black light.

So Fred decided to flash all nearby.

All near now have PTSD

because Fred flashed his wee-wee.

To the part he held true,

yelling 'yabba-dabba-do!'

Will a night beat this ever? Maybe!

Awkward Palm Tree

I can't stand awkward moments in TV or movies.  Which is kind of funny, because I take pleasure in making people feel awkward in real life.

I also like to exaggerate real-life awkward situations and try to make them more awkward by highlighting them and throwing up the Awkward Palm Tree.  I was surprised to find out that one of my Michigan friends just learned about the Awkward Turtle.  That's so yesterday.  All the west coast kids throw up the Awkward Palm Tree:

[I think the symbol originates from In-N-Out.]  (Yes, you can see my purple nipples through my undershirt.)

See.  Doesn't that face and those arms just make things feel awkward, even though nothing has happened yet?

I can't stand awkward moments on TV.  I primarily gave up The Office because it started to suck, but feeling pain when people are awkward was a little part of it.  If I'm laying in bed watching some cheesy teen movie or show where the nerdy guy is about to ask the cute girl out, I'm probably covering my face.  I wanted to walk out of Bridesmaids during the engagement party scene, even though it was funny.  When people start breaking down on TV (Gaga and Marko last night on SYTYCD), I'll usually find some reason to leave the room.  I was very excited to find out that my college roommate is the exact same way.  Maybe it is us awkward guys that are so sensitive to it.

Now that you know, learn how to protect yourself.  Start practicing the awkward palm tree.
~RoB

Liam & Clint

I just rented and watched Unknown.  I was, once again, pleasantly surprised by how much I liked the main actor.  There are actually two actors that I've really been surprisingly digging the past few years, Liam Neeson and Clint Eastwood.  They aren't the first names I think of when I'm contemplating current Hollywood stars, but they are both solid performers.  It's impressive that Clint is even still working, and Liam's movies in the past year have been stellar (Taken and Unknown).  Here are my favorite movies of theirs.

Liam Neeson movies I love (well some I only really like), in order:

1. Love Actually (The best romantic comedy ever.)
2. Taken (This movie makes me not want a daughter.)
3. Unknown (Liam is totally badass out of nowhere.)
4. Batman Begins (This was a solid movie with or without Liam.)
5. Schindler's List (Liam was Schindler, if you didn't know.)
6. Next of Kin (One of the 4 Patrick Swayze movies I can name, but I like them all.)
7. Leap of Faith (I saw the musical version of this with Brooke Shields.)

I had no clue Liam was in a few of these older movies until after I IMDB'd him.

Clint Eastwood movies I love (and some I like), in order:

1. Unforgiven (Best contemporary western ever.  Maybe best western ever.  Trust me, I took a class.)
2. Million Dollar Baby (The last time I almost cried was the end of this movie.)
3. Gran Torino (The ending was the biggest twist I would have expected for a Clint flick.)
4. Mystic River [Director] (I always happen to find this on TV on lazy Sundays, much like Shawshank.)
5. Every Which Way But Loose (Wait, Clint can be funny, and he can hang with an orangutan?)

Again, I had no idea Clint had directed Mystic River until I IMDB'd him.

If nothing else, you should really go see the first two movies from each list.  If you don't like them, I'll reimburse you the rental fees.  (I'm lying, but I doubt you won't like them.)

Annie hates it when I talk about famous people as if we're tight, which is why I like to use their first names only,
~RoB

Racist in the Workplace (Response)

I was bored, so I went back through to get a glimpse of how my blog has evolved over time.  I made it all the way back to my Racist in the Workplace post, when I realized the picture links didn't work any more.  I'm sure this is going to slowly happen to all of my pics over time, and I can accept that since I don't create many of my own pics.  However, for some reason, this interested me enough to investigate.

As it turns out, the company actually changed their blatantly racist ways.  I'd like to think it was due in part to my blog.  Let's not bust that bubble yet.  The new 'Handcuffing Police Training Mannequin' is no longer a black guy:

Hey, it's a white guy this time, but who pulls their shorts up that high?

However, their new attempts at being politically correct just aren't quite cutting it yet.  You're trying.  I get that, but maybe you should have like 1 other person read it before you update the website with your next great idea.

... this African American version reveals sculpted characteristics of the black race. An excellent manikin for use in environments where human participation is dangerous, including pole top, confined space, collapsed building, smoke room, ladder carry, and extrication exercises.

Yeah, I don't know exactly what the 'characteristics of the black race' are, but it appears to be a wider nose, a less stylish haircut, and bigger lips.  I also don't know why a white mannequin can't be used for practicing dangerous environments/exercises.  Oh, and African American Rescue Rudy apparently sits down on the job, while Caucasian Rescue Randy is up and at 'em:

I can't be the only one keeping these people in check, cuz I really can't afford a lawsuit,
~RoB

Hipsters vs. Indie

Annie and I had a discussion the other day regarding if Indie and Hipster were different subcultures.  I was sure that they were.  I have to emphasize was.  The more I tried to defend their difference, the more smeared my differentiation became.

I also have to point out that I do constantly make fun of hipsters.  They look ridiculous: mostly just the scarves and skinny jeans and beanies and glasses, though.  Neither a fixie, nor a beach cruiser with a basket, are real bicycles.  My favorite tv show episode pointing out all things ridiculous about hipsters came from Happy Endings.

When I think Hipster, I think "I only listen to music that doesn't exist yet."  Or:

I always think of this pic now, thanks to S.G.'s blog.

When I think Indie, I think of a tshirt of a real band that that they're into.  They're literally into small, unknown bands and they are out late on most weeknights seeing these people play at bars.

Indie peeps look exhausted from lack of sleep and music that doesn't ever really let your brain rest.  Hipsters look great cuz they stay out of the sunlight and get plenty of rest so that their brains are sharp for making bad clothing decisions.

Hipsters would ironically where a Phil Collins t-shirt.  (I love Phil Collins, and I don't know why he has taken such a hard hit by the 'I'm too good for your crappy pop music' movement.)  Indie would wear a worn-out tshirt from some band that you've never heard of.  However, Indie would be really, really into that band and anyone who toured with them.  Hipsters can only like indie music ironically, for hipsters have no souls or care genuinely about anything.

Anybody with real insight into these two subcultures wanna confirm/deny my characterizations?  I'd like to be in tune when I'm judging people.

"You've probably never heard it before",
~RoB

Etcetera Jobs

Whatever town you live in, you should go to craigslist.org, search for jobs, and then search for 'etcetera jobs' specifically.

You there?

Good...

How much semen does this country need?  Every day I see multiple posts for sperm donors.  Is it that hard to find guys who are willing to jerk off into a cup for money?  Hell, I'd do it (and I seriously considered it for $$ in L.A.), but there's no way I have good enough genes for passing the minimal amount of screening they must do.  I mean I'm smart, but it is an anomalous condition in my family, and I'm also fat and predisposed to cancer and diabetes.

But seriously.  Every city.  Sperm, sperm, sperm.  Jerking off into a cup for money.  How many of us are doing this at home for free?  Maybe I should come up with some sort of 'privacy of your own home sperm donation' service.

sperm, sperm, sperm.

I understand eggs and surrogate mother posts.  I just can't wrap my head (one above my shoulders) around this country's sperm shortage.  Maybe I should come up with some sort of 'frat house satellite collection site' service.

Oops, I meant to search 'frat boy jerking off,' not 'frat boy jerk off'.

I think applying for all these jobs is starting to get to me,
~RoB

Customers of Size

You're sitting in your seat, waiting to pull back from the gate, and depart.  The plane door is about to be closed and locked by the flight attendant.  The flight is 98% booked, but you managed to keep the middle seat next to you vacant by giving people the crazy eye.  The last person to board, whom you've all been waiting for, finally lumbers onto the plane.  They are huge: walking with a cane, sweaty, a belly button peeking out the bottom of a greasy tshirt, unkempt hair, rolling an oxygen tank, the whole shi-bang.  You know they're coming to sit next to you, with their clammy arms rubbing up against yours as you passive-aggressively fight for the armrest for the next 4 hours.  There's gotta be one other seat open.  Please god, let them find that other seat!

But there's a problem.  The sasquatch handed the flight attendant some sort of ticket-looking slip of paper.  WTF?  Sit down so we can leave!  The flight attendant has an "Oh, fuck" look on their face.  They grab the mic and announce "Please raise your hand if you have an open seat next to you."  It turns out that the water buffalo actually purchased 2 seats, per the company's Customers of Size Policy.  One of us who had rightfully won an empty seat next to us was going to have to move so that the land walrus could sit in 2 adjacent seats.

I've always wondered how they worded that.  They obviously couldn't have a FAQ section responding to "What if I'm too fat to fit between the armrests (a mere 17 inch width)?".  So, I guess that's their politically correct term for larger people: Customers of Size.  I happened upon the "Customers of Size Policy" on Southwest.com while I was trying to book my reward flights yesterday.  For some reason, Customers of Size gives me a mental image of a bigger African American lady with ginormous boobs.

Like this, but not that big.

One time at Cedar Point, I had a very difficult time fastening the safety belt across my lap on the Millennium Force.  I had to switch my wallet from my front pocket to my back, and I was able to pull it off.  However, the 30 seconds (felt like an hour) leading up to that decision was so embarrassing.  I was positive they were going to have to tell me that I was too big to ride the roller coaster.  I was mortified, even though things worked out.  I almost decided to permanently keep my wallet in my back pocket, though I didn't make that switch, cuz it belongs up front with the rest of the bulges.  That's been my only experience being a 'Customer of Size' and it was horrifying.  I wasn't even that fat at the time (at least, not my fattest).

Oh man, Annie reminded me of yet another time when this happened.  *Ding*  I hadn't noticed that the call light was on, but the nice-looking, middle-aged flight attendant with a Georgian drawl walked up and asked me what I needed.
F.A: "What do you need right now, sweetie?"
Me: "Ummm, nothing?"
F.A: "Then why did you push the call button."
Me: "I didn't.  But, I think my seats broken.  It won't stay up."
She reached down next to my leg to turn off the call button.  Then we all (Annie was there, too) realized what had happened.  My thick thigh had pushed both the call button and the seat reclining button.  I smirked and moved my wallet to the other front pocket.  (I always blame it on the wallet.)

Hopes to never have to buy 2 seats,
~RoB