Inappropriate Undies

Apparently, the awkward theme of this week is underwear.

I feel like I could start a whole new blog detailing awkward moments in gym/sports club locker rooms.

Clearly, this prude over at PA Notes hasn't been reading my blog.

As I've mentioned earlier this week, my collection of undies (primarly, but not exclusively, boxers) has been slowly dwindling over the past couple of months.  There has been one addition, though.  While at Walmart earlier this year picking up some random, cheap supplies, I came across some Batman boxers.  Made for men.

From what I can remember of my childhood, I was obsessed with Batman.  I had a Batman cape, a Batman mask, Batman costumes, Batman undies, and a shit-ton of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle stuff.  TMNT is unrelated, but important to not slight them.  I am who I am today because of TMNT.  And the Power Rangers.  I'm getting sidetracked.  The point being that I had to own, and wear, these boxers.

This will all start coming together soon.  When I work out at the gym, I usually take a shower and change clothes before I go home.  Also, like most humans I know, I don't take off my pants and my underwear at the same time.  Sometimes, but not usually.

Anyway, on one particular day, I absentmindedly wore my Batman boxers to work out.  I just grabbed something and put it on.  Skip ahead 90 minutes or so.  I pull off my underwear in a room full of naked, loitering men.

BAM!  Creepy 26-year-old in children's underwear.

I can't find an ideal representation, so you'll have to merge these pictures in your head:

Is it possible for a grown man to be seen in Batman underwear and not be thought of as a pedophile?
Didn't think so.

I also don't think I'll be getting any babysitting requests from my naked pals at the gym,
~RoB

Now I'm the Culprit

I'm actually starting to really enjoy my weekly sauna visit.  It is getting easier to stay in there without feeling like I'm dying, I get a good sweat on, and I feel amazing as I'm walking out of the gym after my shower.  Though, my schedule is going to be off, now that I've finished teaching at one club.  I'll still find a way to fit it into my schedule once or twice a week.

I also still maintain that there is too much penis loitering around in sports club locker rooms.  Last night, for example, I saw two naked men just standing in the hallway talking to each other.  Stark naked.  How can you do that and keep a straight face?  Hell, how can you do that and maintain eye contact?  Another guy was standing in the mirror just looking at himself.  WTF?  Go home and stare at yourself naked.  I do.

Anyway, the most awkward moment in the sauna this week was my fault, entirely.  Everything gets locked in a locker, and you take a key on an elastic band along with you everywhere.  When I'm showering, it's under my towel.  When I'm sauna-ing, it's around my wrist.  Unless I start to get too hot.  Or if the key touches me a few minutes into it and I feel like I've burnt myself with a sauna-heated, gym locker key.  So, the key was sitting next to me for a few minutes.

I was all into the sauna.  Leaned back, eyes closed, dripping sweat.  Then I heard it.  The slight tink-tink of a triangle in the distance, or the scooting of keys beside me.  It took me a second, but then I almost shit myself once I realized what had happened.  Did an awkward nakedy-naked guy scoot up next to me?  Nope.  Worse.  My locker key slid between the slots of the bench, and now they were comfortably resting about 4 feet below me, out of reach of any part of my body.  The next thing I remember, the door opened and a gentleman that had been coming in and out of the sauna asked me if I was ok.

I was on all fours on the floor, butt naked, desperately trying to force my arm to fit in between the vertical slots of the wooden bench.  It was fruitless, yet I didn't immediately have any other ideas.  So, I tried everything from getting the boards to open up or slide, to trying to find a way to climb under the bench from the far end.  What else was I going to do?  Walk out to the front desk while completely nude and request that they help me get my key out of the sauna?  That sounds like the beginning of a gay porno.

Instead, I walked out and searched around for something to stick between the slots.  Q-tips, towels, combs, bags, a chair, stools... nothing.  Then, all the way in the back of the shower room, I saw it.  It was the janitor's closet.  Or custodian's closet.  Or whatever.  I prayed that it wasn't locked as I walked toward it, and it wasn't.  I grabbed some sort of long, threaded rod and managed to return my key to my hand in a minute or so.

I even maintained myself enough to actually get back into sauna-mode and hang out there for 10 more minutes.  Regardless, for 5 minutes or so, I had tragically fallen into every bad 'dropped soap' cliche there is.

So, yeah, who's coming sauna-ing with me?
~RoB

Gym Locker Rooms*

For those unawares, I now teach Zumba for a fancy sports club chain throughout the Bay Area.  This provides me a free membership, and I've been trying to take full advantage of it.  It'd be nice if I could get myself all sexy again, like when I graduated from high school.

There are so many things going on in a sports club locker room that life just doesn't prepare you for.  Thinking about watching the baseball game tonight?  Why not sit and watch it in the nude at the entrance to the locker room!  Want to grab a shower after your work out?  Don't be shy, walk up and down the aisles while you're butt naked to get a last few laps in before you wash yourself!  Have a clean towel in your hand?  Good.  Try not to use it to cover you at all, and throw it straight into the dirty pile once you've finished taking it on a tour of the locker room!  I'd love to use the sauna, I'm just not comfortable with sitting there for 15 minutes while you stare at me absolutely naked.  There are millions of clean towels laying around, would you like me to hand you one?

This is what we all imagine.

Though this is much closer to reality. Much closer.

Is it just me, or is there a tad bit too much nakedness going on in there?  Hey, I like to be naked, as we've already learned this week.  Hell, I've watched gay porn.  I have no problems at all with the naked male body.  But don't you think that we could calm down the amount of penis haphazardly loitering around?  Can't we go back to the shy nakedness we all had in middle/high school?

Also, there are things too awkward for me to think about you doing, let alone see you do.  Standing naked in front of a mirror to rub your entire body down with lotion is a bit much.  More than a bit much.  Honestly, I don't even think I'd enjoy seeing a girl do this after 30 seconds or so.  There are places on my body I try to only touch with soap, and lotion shouldn't be applied so vigorously that it starts to lather.

Finally, the naked, elderly male body is scary.  Should I plan on my balls really drooping down that low?  f.m.l.

*Updated
Today there was an absolutely naked man sitting in front of the mirror shaving (his face, thank god) with an electric shaver.  That really necessary?  To top it off, he was on his cell phone (I'm assuming, otherwise he was a lost homeless man) cell yelling about how dark and devastating his current divorce is.  Cover your balls, walk outside, and talk in the lobby so that you aren't interrupting the procession of loitering penises that are tromping around the room.  kthxbye.

Maybe I'm not as comfortable being naked as I thought, or maybe this will make it worse...
~RoB