Tuesday, May 24, 2011


No, that's not a misspelling.  I did not write cheesiest ("cheesy-ist"); I wrote cheesist (rhymes with "jeezist").  It is the newest in my long line of made up words.  It's obvious what it means, though, right?

Let me feed you the definition via parlor trick thought experiment.  Pretend you're hosting a party with guests from all over the country.  What is the easiest way to find out who is from California and who isn't (without just asking, cuz that's lame)?  Any guesses?

You pull out slices of Kraft American Singles and see who doesn't want one.  This works better at the end of the party, after everyone's loosened up.  Why?  Californian's aren't American, and they think their palettes are too refined to enjoy the simple pleasure that is: Kraft American Singles.  I'm sure there's a few of you fatties out here in CA who have an undying love for KAS, like the rest of us.  However, across the state, I've seen Californians turn their noses up to these wonderful, plastic, chees-ish squares.
You, my Californian friends, are cheesists!  We've gone through race wars (racists) and wage wars (sexists) and denture wars (ageists), but I will not stand for this hatred of my people.  (My people being those that know how to enjoy unwrapping a KAS and shoving it in their mouth while their fridge is open and they're trying to figure out what they're going to make for dinner.)

You know what?  I've had thousands of grilled cheeses in my lifetime.  I've had some of the fanciest and most expensive grilled cheeses in the country (that I know of).  You know what else?  I can make a grilled cheese that is just as satisfying and is pretty darn good without all that fluff.  Butter, bread, KAS.  Simple.  Delicious.
Ever had a steak Sizzler?  Shaved Ribeye that you pan-fry and put on a toasted bun.  Only cheese worthwhile: KAS.  Ever wrapped a hot dog with a Pillsbury Crescent roll?  Only cheese worth stuffing inside: KAS.

Hey, you Californians, I see that you kind of like In-N-Out.  (By kind of, I mean, you're a little insane about it.)  Ever look at that gooey, neon orange, delicious cheese that's pressed between your fresh-fried patties?  It's a knockoff of KAS.

Get over yourselves, and at least pretend to be American, you hippies,

No comments:

Post a Comment