Don't Read This

My stomach has hurt for 2 days now.  The food poisoning from rancid pork from this place must have finally caught up to me.  I didn't sleep well, and I'm surprised at how pissed I am at Susan G. Komen.  So, I'm in an interesting mood.  I really shouldn't publish things when I'm like this.  Anyway...

I was listening to one of Doug Stanhope's stand-up specials, and it sent my mind on an awful side-track.

If you were to have a child in the worst part of this world, when would be the optimal time to eat it?  (He has a great bit about not judging someone where life is that hard if they decide that having a baby in order to eat it seemed like their only option.)

It would take a ton of resources to get the child through puberty to its maximum size, and there's a good chance that it might not make it to that point, so many years of resources would be lost.  I'm sure that there's another big growth spurt somewhere in between being born and first grade, but I have no clue when it is, because I hate kids.  So if you had to include resources consumed and total amount of meat produced and integrated time and risk, when would the optimal time be?  Maybe include flavor or tenderness (like veal from baby cows) into the equation if you want to make it scientific journal quality.

If you think this is awful to think about, take comfort in knowing that I started a group on Facebook in 2005 called Dead Baby Joke advocates.

Yeah, 2005.  Long before you had Facebook,
~RoB

Funny Lookin' Baby

At this point in my life, I don't really want kids.  However, I'd be lying if I said my stance against having children wasn't weakening a little.  A few things scare me, though.

Aren't you nervous you're going to have a funny looking child?  It'd be rough.  Half of my friends on Facebook have kids and keep posting pictures of them.  Let's be real, they're all not cute.  Some are straight-up funny looking.  (White kids are weird looking.)  I don't intend to soften up my opinions for my child any more than I do on this blog.  (Well, maybe a little for the first 9 years or so.  After that, a life of cynicism!)  So, if my boy is being an asshole, or if my girl needs to wash her hair, or if my 'other' has a giant nose, they'll be told so.  I only sugar coat my desserts, but you all know that.

Even scarier, and a conversation I've actually had with Annie, is, 'What if they're not smart?'  That'd be pretty rough, too.  I can deal with ugly.  I've dealt with being funny looking my whole life.  However, I can't really deal with stupid.  I truly believe that to some degree, everyone made decisions that influenced how smart they are now.  Those that had the motivation to work a little harder and pay a little more attention in class and actually go home and do their homework (sometimes at the expense of a social life), are the ones that are labeled 'smart' in our society.  That's all I'm asking for.  I don't expect something to come out and be gifted with some of those traits that make being 'exceptionally intelligent' easy.  Would they be able to deal with living up to my expectations?

Oh my god, what if they have serious problems?  I'm a good person (when I'm not blogging), but could I deal with a child in a wheelchair their whole life, or severe mental/physical disabilities?  I've heard that you shouldn't decide to have a baby unless you are ready to deal with a child like that, as a metric of where you are in your life, but I just don't know that I'd be able to deal with that.  If saying that makes me awful, then you are a hypocrite for thinking it and judging me for saying it.

Anyway, keep posting pictures of your awkward toddlers, and I'll continue judging your family.

Karma's probably coming up with a fitting punishment for this post,
~RoB