Saturday, December 31, 2011

Edwin's Last Straw

If you don't remember Edwin & Eloise, then you should familiarize yourself with their disgusting, voyeuristic habits.  Well, it looked like things were the same this year.  Walking around at night, haunting the denizens of the full Tahoe house over Xmas break.  Business as usual.

They were at least nice enough to keep their waking-hour discretions in the guest room this year.

Not that they are any less demonic, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit to finding Eloise's jokes mildly amusing after a 46 oz margarita at the local Mexican restaurant.

She didn't seem to find me half-shabby this year, either.  Probably all of the red wine.  Next thing you know... Bam!  Makin' babies.

Apparently, Edwin walked in while we were in the middle of doing the nasty.  It's hard to hear anything else going on, if you've ever heard me making whoopie.  But I was awakened by Eloise's screams as she pushed off my heavy, muscular arm and excused herself to the bathroom to clean up the mess I made.

Edwin had apparently been disregarding the rumors that Eloise was sleeping around on him.  The scene that he found solidified what he had heard, and it was too much for him to handle.  It's what the evil fucker deserved anyway.

Happy New Year,

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Google News Saved Me $58

I compulsively check several things online throughout the day:  Facebook, Google Reader, Blogger, and Google News.  If you've ever seen me on Facebook for what felt like an entire day, making posts every 15 minutes or so, then you have some idea of how often I do this OCD cycle of checking all the things that keep me informed on either 1) the world or 2) my life.  I open a New Tab, check each of those 4 websites, then close the tabs for a minute or two (and pretend I'm doing something else) before repeating the cycle.  Gmail isn't included in this list, because it is open continuously on my computer, and my iPhone lets me know when I get new mail whenever my face isn't attached to a monitor.  So, technically, I always have that.

Until today, this craziness has never given me back anything other than personal satisfaction and typically-useless News knowledge.  Until today.

This morning, in between quick Chats with Annie where she provided me a list of things to finish, I managed to briefly check Google News.  I didn't actually read the article, but my eyes glanced by the headline "Oakland enacts five-minute 'grace-period' on expired parking meters".  It registered so low on my active memory, that I later wouldn't be able to recall where I had seen it without extensive Facebook/Google searches.

So, I go on with my morning, which consisted primarily of wrapping Xmas presents that I was going to mail off today to relatives in MI and FL.  I drove to the post office, bought $1 worth of parking time (which is 30 minutes), and walked inside to take care of my business.  It wasn't the most efficient Post Office trip I've had, but it honestly wasn't that bad on my scale of shitty Post Office trips.  Upon walking outside, a woman was writing me a ticket.  I thanked her, pulled it off of my windshield, and sat in my car reading it.  Then I looked at the parking payment receipt on my dashboard.

My time expired at 12:16 pm.  The parking ticket had been printed for 12:20:44 pm.  I was, indeed, within my 5-minute window, and it made me try to remember exactly what I had briefly read earlier.  Was the grace period being voted on, or was it just an idea?  Luckily, the parking ticket lady had to stop to write a ticket for the car parked in front of me.  (I'd imagine that Post Offices are as easy to write parking tickets for as bars are for drunk drivers.)  Anyway, I walked up to her and politely (though it took me a while to get her attention, since she was in a heavy cell phone conversation) asked her about the grace period.

I said I wasn't sure if it had been enacted yet, and I'd be happy to take it somewhere if that's how the process was supposed to be.  Instead, she took both the ticket and the parking receipt and said she would get it voided when she got back.  She also notified me that they were told to leave the ticket unless the person explicitly referenced the new 'grace-period' policy.  So, for once, it actually paid to be informed.  Thank you, Google News!

Off to spend at least $58 on fixing my car,

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Job Interviews

It's my second-to-last day at work, so I'm spending most of my time updating LinkedIn, my resume, and searching for employment in Lexington.  It's really made me think of how awful the interview process is.  If an employer really wants to start to understand me, they should start by not giving me stock questions off the internet.
Interviewer:  Think of one time where you worked in a group and part of the group didn't agree with one of your decisions...
Why shouldn't you?  Because you're asking me to lie to you.
RoB:  In one of my engineering classes, there was an elderly woman who had some mobility problems and clearly wasn't an ideal candidate to be the last member of the group we had just formed.  But against their disagreeing, I asked her to join our group.  I knew her life experiences would pay off in dealing with whatever difficulties getting her might had formed in our group.  Not only was our final project one of the best our professor had ever seen, but it was submitted to a national competition, and we took First Place.
And unicorn farts mixed with fairy dust turned that Google Search of 'common interview questions' into a win.
Interviewer:  How would you deal with a member that's not pulling their fair share of the work?
Honestly, I'd probably just do their work.  Or, I'd split it up between the rest of the group.  Life's too short for me to clearly detail how much of a worthless piece of shit you are, so I'll do what you were supposed to do, and probably better, and we'll move on.  I'll even give you credit for doing your share.  If you can live with yourself, then that's your moral dilemma.  However, any promotions or awards for productivity should immediately be forfeited to me.  Thanks.  Otherwise I may have to light your cat on fire.  You can be worthless behind the scenes, but if you wanna go toe-to-toe in front of everyone, then let's do this shit.
RoB:  First of all, from what I've read about this company, teamwork is ingrained into the corporate structure, so I find it hard to believe that I would ever be faced with this circumstance.  However, for the sake of the possibility, I believe clearly stated objectives and timelines help to move groups along in situations like this.  Rarely does someone not want to pull their fair share.  I believe it's always a result of miscommunication.  Have a meeting every morning with that day's objectives and overall timeline for the project, and if anyone's falling behind, it can be addressed early, before more drastic measures have to be taken.  It gives everyone equal responsibility and a calm pressure on their shoulders from everyone else relying upon them.

Thanks, Kristen, for sending me this last year around this same time.

This has no direct relevance to anything that's happened to me recently.  I just thought of it in the shower the other day, and it immediately irked me.  Make me prove to you that I'm a worthy addition to your company.  Don't waste both of our times with stupid questions where I'm perfectly capable of making up more-than-adequate answers on the spot.  I think quick, I'm smart, and I'm witty.  You have no chance.

I imagine that I'll have some sort of interview in the upcoming months.  Maybe I should just be honest.  If nothing else, it'd be a good story.

Happy Job Hunting,

Monday, December 12, 2011

12 Days of Xmas Videos - Day #12

I'm a diva.  We all know that.  Let's top off these 12 Days of Xmas Videos with my soul sister, Whitney.  That voice is gone forever, but at least I have all of her records to cherish what was once the greatest singer ever.  Bow down to my Gospel Jaw Goddess.  And whatever holidays (or lack thereof) you're celebrating this season, enjoy them!

That's right.  No studio altering/fixing.  No auto-tuning.  Just amazing.

But seriously kids, crack is whack.

Happy Holidays,

Bonus Track!  This was a specific request earlier in the 12 Days, and I figured I might as well please the masses.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

12 Days of Xmas Videos - Day #11

With just one day left, my spirit of inclusiveness is shining like the north star.  12 Days of Xmas primarily centers around treats for your ears, where the videos only supplement the wonderfulness.  Here's one where the video can replace the song, for those of our friends with hearing impairments or that can just understand ASL.

Who am I kidding?  I liked the song, sent to me by one of my 12 Days participants, and this was the best video version I could find.  Does anybody else think that this guy looks like John Krasinski until he starts talking?  Then he looks like Aaron Tveit.

Happy Holidays,

Saturday, December 10, 2011

12 Days of Xmas Videos - Day #10

Back to the fun ones.  My family is totally redneck, and I'm surprised I wasn't taught this song as a child.  My family isn't really the 'rebel yell' and confederate flag kind of redneck.  More like barefoot and mayonnaise sandwiches.  I guess they might call that white trash... (pink necks?)

Happy Holidays,

Friday, December 9, 2011

12 Days of Xmas Videos - Day #9

This music video sucks.  Sorry, Bianca.  It does.  But I still love this song.

Happy Holidays,

Thursday, December 8, 2011

12 Days of Xmas Videos - Day #8

Eight is popular.  Not only is it Annie's favorite number (emblazoned on her custom Michigan jersey, as well as her old soccer jerseys), but it happens to be the number of days in the Festival of Lights.  So, I'd like to take this opportunity to give an Xmas shoutout to my Hebrew readers.  Enjoy this Hot Box remake of a classic Xmas song.

This is the music video quality that makes people like Rebecca Black famous.  I'm surprised we don't already know the names of the ladies in this video.  Maybe because it's just half-assed enough to entertain us without taking itself too seriously.  I just imagine that this was a karaoke session that someone posted to Youtube from their iPhone.  (The original iPhone, circa December 2007.)


Wednesday, December 7, 2011

12 Days of Xmas Videos - Day #7

I've lost more Weird Al CDs than you've probably ever owned.  And though you probably know this song already, it is made oh so much better by the animation.

Happy Holidays,

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

12 Days of Xmas Videos - Day #6

This appears old, or something.  I actually have no clue who Benny Bell is.  However, considering the overwhelming popularity of the dirtiest Xmas video I've posted so far, it looks like I'm going to be scouring the interwebz for more of the same.  Unfortunately, there isn't great animation to accompany this song.  You'll just have to appreciate the lyrics.

I'm blown away by how much this song has been stuck in my head since finding it.  Don't underestimate it's power, even though it looks like it should be on the Lawrence Welk Show.

Happy Holidays,

Monday, December 5, 2011

12 Days of Xmas Videos - Day #5

Originally, the plan was to include this song in my 12 Days of Xmas Music 2011 list, but my version comes from a CD that skips and therefore has 3 or 4 awful, scratchy moments.  I found this video with surprisingly good sound quality.  So, enjoy the harmonies.  (♫ Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays ♫ is still their best holiday song.)

I'm a child of the 90s.  So, I took sides, and I was a bigger fan of the Backstreet Boys.  But if we're being honest, I was really in it for the Spice Girls.  They were to me (well, one of them) what these boys were to leagues of little girls.

Happy Holidays,

Sunday, December 4, 2011

12 Days of Xmas Videos - Day #4

I'm even able to come across (actually, be given) an Xmas video so fitting to the main themes of this blog.  The first time you play it, you should close your eyes and let the innuendos build images in your mind on their own.  Then open your eyes and watch some vivid claymation to supplement all of the dirty jokes you just giggled at.

Never, ever, has Santa ever brought me sexy lingerie.  I don't think he likes me.  Plus, I don't even know where the video was trying to go with the ♪ stuffing stockings all night long ♪.  It's not even trying to be an innuendo...

Happy Holidays,

12 Days of Xmas Videos - Day #3

One of my favorite Xmas songs ever is the tenor-licious The Broadway Boys' version of ♫ Hark! The Herald Angels Sing ♫.  It was a classic song that I always disliked because it was boring, and they really rock'd and diva'd it out for me in their version.  This song was included in the 12 Days of Xmas Music on December 5th, 2009 (Day #5 of its inaugural year).  (If you have absolutely no clue what I'm talking about because you weren't included in that very small email list in 2009, then you can see the video [with un-spectacular sound quality] here.)

Anyway, Jesse Nager (the genius behind the Bway Boys) is one of the few Youtube channels I follow.  Thoroughly scouring the interwebz for more tenor-diva madness led me to this gem of a video.  Danny Calvert (singer on the right) was always my fave, but they went and snagged Marty Thomas for an epic diva-off of the hands-down best holiday song written and released in the past 2 decades.  Enjoy Mariah Carey's modern-day classic!

Word on the street is that these 2 fight over the chance to wear those sparkly blazers out on the town, since they refuse to be caught with both of them wearing them outside of performances.  Danny apparently is winning that battle, and Marty apparently really wanted Danny's lips to sparkle for this performance.

Happy Holidays,

P.S.  If more than half of this post made no sense to you, don't worry.  This goes out to my fellow Broadway geeks out there!

12 Days of Xmas Videos - Day #2

Pentatonix won The Sing Off, but weeks before that I did some hardcore, online stalking of the members.  The best thing I found was Kevin O's (the beat boxer's) Youtube feed, where he has a bunch of really modern and interesting cello and beatboxing videos.  He even included a holiday video,  just for me!

One interesting thing to note is that Kevin is very religious, and it was due to him that Pentatonix sang "Oh my Gosh" to the lyrics of Usher's ♫ O.M.G. ♫ as well as dropping the 'booty' line from their version altogether.  Morals on reality TV?  No way!  (Ok, maybe for the stuffy group of Mormons from BYU...)

Happy Holidays,

12 Days of Xmas Videos - Day #1

This is my third annual installation of 12 Days of Xmas Music, which is a daily email that I send out for the first 12 days of December.  The email includes a new/original/updated/interesting Xmas song to help freshen up the holiday playlists of my close friends.

Since I'm in such a festive mood, I thought that I would make a similar segment for all of my loyal blog followers.  I suspect most of you actually get my 12 Days of Xmas Music emails, but a double dose of holiday cheer isn't going to hurt anyone!

If you're reading this, and you're not on the email list for the '12 Days...', then I'm sorry to inform you that I don't like you.  j/k, I probably just forgot about you (not that forgetting is any better).  Or you're an ex-girlfriend that I continue to Facebook stalk but haven't quite prepared myself for regular conversation.  If you are really interested, and you have my email, hit me up, and I'll be happy to include you.  There were definitely some people on Facebook that didn't have their emails listed, so I skipped 'em.

Anyway without further ado, enjoy the animated music video that goes along with the song that I sent out today!

Happy Holidays,