Sunday, August 5, 2012


"... is the 't' silent?" ~ Jon Stewart

I'm not positive, but I'm quite sure that I've never eaten anything from Chick-fil-A.  Annie thinks that we might have been fed some at a Rose Bowl, so I can't swear that I've avoided the company completely.  They have funny commercials.  They host a college football bowl game.  I certainly don't hate the company.

I just don't support the company.  When given full choice of food options, I've avoided Chick-fil-A for years.  It's been long known (not just these past couple months) that it's leadership has a very pro-Christian mindset.  I don't really have a big deal with that, as long as their business is an Equal Opportunity Employer and respects all of its customers, even if they're closed on Sundays.  If they were rude to Jewish or homosexual customers, I'd have a much bigger deal with them.

However, I can't, in good conscious, have the smallest fraction of the money that I've paid for an over-priced chicken and bacon sandwich go to some executive who is going to use those pennies to support policies that I strongly oppose.

Now there's this whole blown-out-of-proportion anti-gay-marriage chicken-eating protest.  Fat America's favorite protest ever.  And there's only one group of people losing:  fat people.

Get over yourself, homos.  We all know that you'll have all of your marriages soon.  I can't believe it's even still a debate.  Though it certainly sucks for you now, it does give my generation the perspective of how ludicrous it must have been growing up during the segregation or suffrage movements and looking around at those opposing equal human rights and thinking, 'wtf?'

Fat people.  That's who's getting fucked right now.

You know what I'm talking about.  The smell of White Castle.  The sight of a perfect curl on the top of a freshly poured Wendy's Frosty.  The sound of Coke fizzing as it's poured into a frosty mug.  That first bite of an Oreo that's just been pulled out of milk.  Crack to fat people.

I've been perfectly fine in my personal quest to avoid Chick-fil-A.  I just don't think about it.  If I pass one one the road, I remind myself that I'm busy and how unhealthy fast food is, and I'm able to move on with my day.  For the past week, Chick-fil-A has been in every conversation, every news article, every talk show.  Pictures of delicious-looking, perfectly golden, deep-fried chicken sandwiches taunting me everywhere I look.  And let's be honest, I have zero self-control.

Now, all I want is a Chick-fil-A chicken sandwich.  I'm no Judas.  I'm just hungry.  And that's how the anti-gays are winning.  Fast food wins.  It's unfair.  I'd love for Michelle Obama to save us with her healthy food, but she's bringing cauliflower to a gun fight.

So, if I stagger helplessly into a Chick-fil-A this week, it's not because I hate the gays.  I have to be at least a quarter gay (DNA test?).  I'm there cuz I've snapped, and I want a politics-be-damned chicken sandwich.
Judge not lest ye be judged, or whatever...
It better be delicious,