Best Interview Ever

I sat down at a conference table while the woman whom I had been corresponding with went off to get 'everyone else'.  They left me in the room by myself.  Well, with the dog.  There were 4 resumes sitting on the table.  I reached for the pile and quickly flipped through them.  One person had a PhD.  I knew whom I was up against.

The lady brought 4 gentlemen into the room.  They sat across from me, and things weren't going particularly quickly.  So, I just took over.  I explained my situation.  I was short, and blunt, and to the point.  The position that I was applying for paid crap, and I was applying everywhere to see where I might find something worthwhile.

My small diatribe seemed to answer most of their questions, but they still had a few lined up for me.

Interviewer 1:  Favorite movie of all time?
Me:  South Park, Bigger Longer & Uncut.  But Sister Act is a very close second.

Interviewer 1:  What's your favorite element?
Me:  (pause for comptemplation)
Me:  Lithium.  I have a tattoo with 3 electrons, so it would need 3 protons to be neutral.

[Side note.  My tattoo has 6 electrons.  I didn't know that on the spot, though I've spent years staring at it.  Carbon is much more fitting.  The basis for organic life.  I won't make that mistake again.]

Interviewer 2:  Can you build a nuclear reactor outside in that field?
Me:  In this country?  No.

Interviewer 2:  Can you help us put up some solar panels on the property to spite the coal company across the hall?
Me:  My experience is in wind energy, and I've seen more wind than sun as of late, but I'd be happy to help with either.  I'd glue a windmill to the top of my car so that they have to see it in the parking lot every time they look outside.

Interviewer 3 was happy enough with my responses thus far.

Then rapid fire:
Interviewer 4: Preferred search engine?
Me:  Google.
I4:  Preferred internet browser?
Me:  Chrome.
I4:  Smartphone Platform?
Me:  iPhone.  I still have the original, though it looks like it's been through a war.
I4:  Can you fix your own computer?
Me:  I've never had one so on the fritz that I couldn't, but I've reserved most of my stressful computer work for the companies or schools I was working for.  Somebody else was always responsible for them.
I4:  Star Wars or Star Trek?
Me:  I'm nervous to say this in a table full of techies, but neither.
I4:  Dogs or Cats?
Me:  Dogs.
I4:  On a scale of 1 to 10, how weird are you?
Me:  (slight pause)  4.
(general moans)
Me:  But my blog would probably prove otherwise.
I4:  Could you build a laser?
Me:  Yes, but not one that would cut through anything.

The rest was talk about their very progressive structure like public knowledge of every employee's pay on their wiki and profit sharing and how busy they keep.  My favorite line came from the creator of the company (who doubled as Interviewer 2):  "If we can find a way to cut someone, we will, and we'll share their money."  That surprisingly inspired me.  I don't want to work for a company with a bunch of worthless people.  I'd rather be paid more to be worthwhile.

Honestly, the money is about the equivalent at working at Walmart pushing carts.  But I've done that.  And the more that I think about it, that's been my best job now that I'm not going to be working at LLNL.  Maybe I should take a pay cut and just enjoy working somewhere fun.  Hell, right now I have no money, so I guess I should be happy for anything.

I have a Sugar Momma after all,
~RoB

Job Interviews

It's my second-to-last day at work, so I'm spending most of my time updating LinkedIn, my resume, and searching for employment in Lexington.  It's really made me think of how awful the interview process is.  If an employer really wants to start to understand me, they should start by not giving me stock questions off the internet.

Interviewer:  Think of one time where you worked in a group and part of the group didn't agree with one of your decisions...

Why shouldn't you?  Because you're asking me to lie to you.

RoB:  In one of my engineering classes, there was an elderly woman who had some mobility problems and clearly wasn't an ideal candidate to be the last member of the group we had just formed.  But against their disagreeing, I asked her to join our group.  I knew her life experiences would pay off in dealing with whatever difficulties getting her might had formed in our group.  Not only was our final project one of the best our professor had ever seen, but it was submitted to a national competition, and we took First Place.

And unicorn farts mixed with fairy dust turned that Google Search of 'common interview questions' into a win.

Interviewer:  How would you deal with a member that's not pulling their fair share of the work?

Honestly, I'd probably just do their work.  Or, I'd split it up between the rest of the group.  Life's too short for me to clearly detail how much of a worthless piece of shit you are, so I'll do what you were supposed to do, and probably better, and we'll move on.  I'll even give you credit for doing your share.  If you can live with yourself, then that's your moral dilemma.  However, any promotions or awards for productivity should immediately be forfeited to me.  Thanks.  Otherwise I may have to light your cat on fire.  You can be worthless behind the scenes, but if you wanna go toe-to-toe in front of everyone, then let's do this shit.

RoB:  First of all, from what I've read about this company, teamwork is ingrained into the corporate structure, so I find it hard to believe that I would ever be faced with this circumstance.  However, for the sake of the possibility, I believe clearly stated objectives and timelines help to move groups along in situations like this.  Rarely does someone not want to pull their fair share.  I believe it's always a result of miscommunication.  Have a meeting every morning with that day's objectives and overall timeline for the project, and if anyone's falling behind, it can be addressed early, before more drastic measures have to be taken.  It gives everyone equal responsibility and a calm pressure on their shoulders from everyone else relying upon them.

Thanks, Kristen, for sending me this last year around this same time.

This has no direct relevance to anything that's happened to me recently.  I just thought of it in the shower the other day, and it immediately irked me.  Make me prove to you that I'm a worthy addition to your company.  Don't waste both of our times with stupid questions where I'm perfectly capable of making up more-than-adequate answers on the spot.  I think quick, I'm smart, and I'm witty.  You have no chance.

I imagine that I'll have some sort of interview in the upcoming months.  Maybe I should just be honest.  If nothing else, it'd be a good story.

Happy Job Hunting,
~RoB

(Really) Busy at Work (Reprise)

So, Google+ came out with games last week.  I'm not positive, but I believe I was one of the first people to have access.  Nothing told me, but it showed up one day, and I managed to start playing Angry Birds.  None of my other friends had started yet.  That's not the case anymore.

Anyway, there's this now:

Yeah, I've already nailed all of the stars on all of the available levels.

Yeah, I found all the Chrome secrets, too. (Peeps need to do your part for the Teamwork levels!)

Wait, most of this looks familiar.

It's my last day of full-time work at the wind farm I currently work at.  I've blogged and facebook'd regularly since I've started working here, yet I still manage to get things done.  No, I still manage to impress my boss by the quality of my work.  I guess those are the benefits you get for being an efficient worker with a top-notch education.  I can do just enough work to blow everyone else at my office out of the water, and then I still have 5 hours left in the day to play games.  I'll miss that when I move on to a job that requires much more effort.

Back to work,
~RoB

Etcetera Jobs

Whatever town you live in, you should go to craigslist.org, search for jobs, and then search for 'etcetera jobs' specifically.

You there?

Good...

How much semen does this country need?  Every day I see multiple posts for sperm donors.  Is it that hard to find guys who are willing to jerk off into a cup for money?  Hell, I'd do it (and I seriously considered it for $$ in L.A.), but there's no way I have good enough genes for passing the minimal amount of screening they must do.  I mean I'm smart, but it is an anomalous condition in my family, and I'm also fat and predisposed to cancer and diabetes.

But seriously.  Every city.  Sperm, sperm, sperm.  Jerking off into a cup for money.  How many of us are doing this at home for free?  Maybe I should come up with some sort of 'privacy of your own home sperm donation' service.

sperm, sperm, sperm.

I understand eggs and surrogate mother posts.  I just can't wrap my head (one above my shoulders) around this country's sperm shortage.  Maybe I should come up with some sort of 'frat house satellite collection site' service.

Oops, I meant to search 'frat boy jerking off,' not 'frat boy jerk off'.

I think applying for all these jobs is starting to get to me,
~RoB

If I took the ACT again

My score would be higher (maybe only a point or two, but that's huge above 30).  I took the 2004 ACT at Huntington Learning Center as part of a tutoring interview.  I got a 32 on the Reading (missed 4/40), and a 28 on the English (missed 10/75).  I didn't have to take the math or science, since I got a 32 on the Science in high school, along with a 34 on the Math.  I got a 31 overall in high school, and that was with english/reading in the mid 20's.  I'm not sure how ACT calculates the composite score, but I'm guessing I'd do pretty well now.

They called to tell me that, and offer me a tutoring position.  I turned them down because I didn't want to work all my weekends through June.  They asked if they could work around me leaving every other weekend, if I would consider.  They apparently really liked my enthusiasm, personality, and background.  I told them I'd consider it, and I'm supposed to call them after my PowerWorks interview tomorrow.

When it rains, it pours, or snows like a mutha%$#@!,
~RoB

Post #10: Finished I-5 Checklist & Last of the Potty Stories

There were 3 things that I had urges to do after driving I-5 from L.A. to S.F. and back so many times:
1) Eat at Andersen's Pea Soup
2) Eat at Taste of India
3) Stop at the Vista Point and see why it's there.

Today, I checked off the last of those.  I stopped at the Vista Point on the way down.  Honestly, not so spectacular.  There's a little plaque there about the aqueduct, but, as I suspected, you can't see much more than you can see while driving.  I think there's one more on the northbound side.  Maybe I'll try it, too, on the way back.  If you've ever driven I-5, you would understand the interest in both Andersen's and the sketch Indian place.  Both were nothing special.  Andersen's kinda sucked; it smelled like a Port-a-Potty.

I received a great comment in my email today referring to the post "Continue to Fall Apart".  I have to share it:

the worst thing about shitting your pants is you never ever get over it.  for the rest of your life you don't trust a single fart or a relaxation of the sphincter.  it's like... oh damn did i just...? no.. ok, that one was safe, phew.  Post Pantsshitting Stress disorder, i think it should be named.

Hopefully, the following can be the last two disgusting stories for a while.  Maybe it helps that they will involve a dog.  First of all, Angel (our dog) took a poop yesterday and commenced to act really weird and bite at his butt.  When I lifted up  his butt fur and looked back there, he had grassy poop hanging out.  I had to use the plastic bag that I would be cleaning the poop up with to pull it out of his ass.  If this were a regular occurrence, I'd probably give him to the humane society.

A related story.  Annie's birthday is just a few days before Christmas.  Her sister just graduated college, so it turned out that only her father, her, and I were together for her actual birthday.  I tried to make her a layered funfetti cake with glass pie plates (all I could find), and it turned out a mess.  Skip forward a few weeks, and I decided to make fancy funfetti cupcakes with cute frosting and candles.  I arranged them all cutesy on our little dining room table.  It was technically for her roommate's birthday, but it was going to be my way of making up for the shitty birthday cake.  While out for her roommate's birthday dinner (sushi!), Angel hopped up on the table and ate everything!  Every single cupcake, all the wrappers, all the frosting, and all the candles.  When we got home, he was laying on the floor moaning.  He was the fattest I've ever seen him.  We commenced to making him throw up (hydrogen peroxide ingestion) until there were huge piles of cake batter all over our lawn.  It was the best smelling puke I'll ever clean up!

Starting to get phone calls about tutoring jobs in the bay.  I'll return those tomorrow.  Also posted a craigslist ad with a bunch of stuff I'd like to get rid of before returning to the Bay this weekend.  If you're interested:
http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/gms/2171654611.html
http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/gms/2171665261.html
http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/gms/2171674167.html
http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/gms/2171679026.html

I managed to make it all the way to L.A. without peeing in a bottle, so let's hope that the potty stories are over for a while.

No promises,
~RoB

Continue to Fall Apart

First of all, I'm wearing my sexy boxers.  It's not even a special occasion.

I've spent the last hour trying to get Annie started on a blog.  She's jealous of the overnight popularity of mine.  We spent the whole time trying to come up with a name for hers, which led to me damn near falling asleep before getting to write this for you.  (Name was never decided and she's already given up.)

Yesterday, after assembling a MULLIG from IKEA to put in Annie's room for some of my stuff, we packed and drove up to Tahoe.  Along the way, Annie got off at the wrong exit for In-n-Out.  She furiously defended that a Subway had taken the spot of a previous In-n-Out, before getting off at the next exit to find the In-n-Out she had originally been in search of.  If a guy does that, he's a neanderthal that doesn't ask for directions.  A girl does it and it's a simple mistake.  "They have the same curved brick things at the turnaround!"

As of today, I've applied to 15 jobs on Craigslist.  No return emails.  I'm not ready to move to monster.com or anything for serious jobs yet.  They continue to be wine or tutoring related.  Random real jobs and food things have been thrown in, too.  Annie's dad asked me what my plan was at Happy Hour this evening.  I've got nothing... "Mooch off your daughter?"

Those of you following might think I've temporarily lost my mind.  Sometimes I wonder the same thing.  The first few days of this new journey certainly haven't made me more sane.  Today, my body decided to follow my brain off a cliff.  Annie took off to downhill ski all day, and left me home alone.  I had a pounding headache and decided to shovel the driveway to get some much needed physical activity.  When I was hungry enough I came back inside and made myself some fried turkey sandwiches.  I was in my room deciding between a shower and returning to my shoveling duties when it happened.

I shit my pants.  Not a lot; just a dribble.  Nonetheless, I shit my pants.  There's debate rather or not the turkey was bad, or I may have been super dehydrated, but the end result doesn't change the fact that, though I just wanted to relieve a little pressure in my crampy stomach, I shit my pants.  Seriously.  Annie, you check the washer for my wet shorts (I immediately washed them in the sink).

You can only laugh if you've never, ever in your life had it happen to you.
~RoB

Who's the Boss?

She thinks she's in charge of everything now, just because she's going to be totally supporting me for a few weeks (months?).  She was inspecting my boxers to see which ones were ready to be trashed when she held up my faves, asking why they weren't all fucked up where my balls sit like the rest of the pile.  "They're my sexy boxers, I barely wear them."  Let's be honest, I rarely wear any underwear at all any more.

I made it back to L.A.  Almost missed the I-5 turnoff cuz I was changing CDs.  It's ok.  I whipped over 3 lanes doing 85, so I was cool.  I should probably take a few days off of the 6 hour commutes.

I applied to 7 Craigslist jobs today.  Most of them involved pouring wine, but there was one fun one where I could drive around the bay area and teach kids about physics using Legos.  Sweet.

Had a strange smell on my hands all day.  I thought it was musty or rust from my apartment debacle.  5 hours into the drive I realized I just didn't wash my hands well enough after chopping onions for chilaquiles this morning.  I smell like an old, wooden cutting board, and there's no fixing it.  Awesome.

Only other good story from my tumultuous life today is going to get me killed.  I was DIWMGf.  I stopped in the middle, got up, walked around, and finally found my chapstick.  I put it on my lips and went back to business.  I need chapstick to live.  I need chapstick more than chubby kids need saturated fat.  Don't worry, she wasn't too put off.  She spent most of the time playing tug-of-war and fetch with the dog.  I don't need her attention anyway.

Wow, that's a little much.  I assured you that my brain had no filter, and I really shouldn't allow my fingers to type what I'm thinking.  Hope you enjoy it all anyway.

Fuck it,
~RoB