Sideball

"Why is sideboob so tastefully erotic, while sideball is horrifying?!" - Gypsy B (extremely paraphrased) regarding her first experience at a live drag race (the tranny kind in high heels, not the automotive kind).

Sideball (side Ewok?) became my secret nickname for my Halloween costume this year. I expected the costume to be the most popular costume of the year, so I didn't think it would turn out being very special. Over the years, I feel like we've done quite well for ourselves in our costume efforts, including a Fred Flintstone costume that sparks fear in all who experienced it in person. ;)

Thanks, Beekeeper.

I was going for shock value, and I didn't know how well our new group of friends would take it here in the Tri-Cities. However, when we woke up the morning after the party, our Facebook photo had blown up with over 200 Likes. We must have done something right.

I made our costumes. We found Annie's white suit at Goodwill, which I painted black with duct tape and 3 bottles of fabric spray paint. My top was found at Goodwill, but it was a tank, so I had to trim it. My bottoms are "undershapers" (spanks) from the maternity department at Walmart. Miss S, my friend and hairstylist, did the hair for me the first time. The hand, which was waiting for us in the car at the time of the photo shoot, was made from 3 pieces of construction paper and some cardboard reinforcement.

It barely survived 2 weekends of partying.

Considering the popularity of our costumes, and the most popular Facebook photo (almost 300 Likes now) either of us had ever had (which is saying something, because I'm, well.... popular), we decided to put it to the test and head to one of the two local clubs for their costume contest the following weekend. This time, Annie did my hair, but she did a fair enough job. Didn't matter, cuz we swept both the boys' and girls' costume divisions, getting us $25 cash and a VIP party for 18 for each of us. That'd be the 2nd time we've won a costume contest at a bar, though the last time we actually won 'worst costume' and only because we had a huge, loud group of people with us. The girl beside us in a homemade, shitty Narwal costume truly deserved to win the category.

It's always pleasantly surprising when your work turns out to be more epic than you could have ever expected. I feel like we've set the bar too high for next year among the villagers here, so we'll probably just have to move again.

Happy Belated Halloween,
~RoB

P.S. I did clean up Cheetos stains off of my outfit before taking it out to the competition. They were on my underboobs.

TBOX 2012

Two weekends ago, Annie and I took a trip up to Chicago to visit with one of her close friends from college, as well as participate in the annual Twelve Bars of Xmas (TBoX) bar-crawl throughout Wrigleyville.  (When you click on that link, you can find me in that blurry picture right below the tendons in Heat Miser's right wrist while he pours cereal into the audience.  I'm the dark afro with reindeer antlers on.)  The weather sucked driving up there, but we got there Friday afternoon and decided to pre-party for the bar crawl with red wine and tequila and Jack Daniels.  I've made better decisions...

The crawl started around 8am on Saturday the 8th at The CubbyBear, across from the Chicago Cubs' ballpark.  The line in front of that bar was an absolute zoo; a great foreshadow of the day.

TBOX is effectively a drunken holiday parade on Clark St.

One big thing about TBOX is that you're supposed to look ridiculous.  Straight from their website:  "People need to be STARING at you the minute you leave the house."  I feel like I succeeded in that, since I used blinking LED Xmas lights and red/green pompoms to make a ridiculously ugly sweater.  I also had pink-bunny, footie pajamas on, as well as antlers.  A spectacular moment happened before we even got into the first bar.  An old man pulled up to the stop light, rolled down his window, and shouted "what's going on?", to which someone in the crowd yelled back, "a birthday party!"

The first bar & opening ceremonies were boring.  The guy who created TBOX and organizes it now had a really long, indulgent sing-a-long that he composed and it was super awkward.  It seemed as though he didn't have many friends in real life, so he was going to milk today for all that it was worth.  We left in the middle to get our drink on, but not before getting a green bracelet.  The first bar we went to was Bar Celona.  It was empty, so getting drinks and using the bathroom was easy.  I don't drink beer, so a bar-crawl means that I'll be drinking a bunch of liquor.  There were deals on Jagermeister shots all day, so that was what I was going to choke down so that the day didn't cost $500.

TBOX is all about stickers, as well as their theme, which was TBOXopoly this year.  So, at each bar you got a sticker that said 'you landed on...' and there was a royal court walking around passing out stickers that looked like money with their individual faces on the bills.  Annie and I even had bright pink 'Virgin' stickers that had to be signed by one of the royal court after we kissed/got kissed by them.  (Again, the underlying theme of these folks having poor social lives and needing this bar crawl.)

Thank you, Annie's friend, for hosting us!

I got antsy and progressed by myself to Rockwood Place for a shot and a sticker before meeting my group at the Hofbrauhaus, called Uberstein for some reason.  At this point, Annie was already trying to slow me down by making me drink water in between shots of Jager.  We walked across the street to get into Exedus II Lounge, which I started to freak out about because it wasn't on our TBOXopoly boards.  If I was being challenged to hit at least 12 bars on the board, I had no time to waste at other bars.  Apparently Exedus was one of 3 bars participating in TBOX that weren't on the board, so at least we got stickers.  The back corner of this bar was ridiculously dark, so my Xmas lights were shining bright.

At this point, hunger was affecting my drinking, so Annie and I actually took off to go find pizza at Dimo's.  I ate a ton there, getting a dollar off my second round for being fat.  Annie thoroughly enjoyed the Mac-n-Cheese pizza, and our friends eventually met us there.  We had heard how ridiculous the lines were getting at most of the bars, and we could see that the Blarney Stone didn't look too bad from the windows of the pizzeria, so that is where we headed next.  This ended up being the most-crowded room of the day.  Plus, the single bartender was an old Irish asshole that only served people right in front of him.  (I understand that it was a zoo, and that he could get away with that, but you should really walk along the bar and try to get to everyone.  People were starting to throw shit at him when we decided to just leave.)  At least this pub felt the most authentic.

From there, we decided to head south and find the shortest line, which was to Rookies.  As I look back on the day, Rookies was probably my favorite bar.  This is sad, since it's a Michigan State bar.  They did a fantastic job at controlling numbers that went in so that once you were in you were comfortable.  It was easy to get drinks, the live DJ was playing good music, and there was plenty of room for drinking and dancing.  We stayed there for several drinks, but eventually moved on as our group was getting drunker.  In fact, our group split in half at this point, since Annie and her friend ran off ahead while the rest of us waited for someone to make their way out of Rookies.  I eventually ran off to find the girls, but the rest of the party never came.  Oh well...

I found Annie and her friend at Fiesta Cantina, and we all ran upstairs.  Once we got drinks, we hovered around an empty stripper pole, which was used several times by drunken sorority girls (I wasn't complaining) before we decided to progress to the next bar.  I'll be honest, this is the line in the sand.  This is where things get hazy.  I know most of the events that occurred from here forward, but they may be out of order, or just plain made up.  You can see the number of bars that we had already hit at this point.  I tried to text Annie every time I took a shot, but I lost track by Rookies...  You've been warned!

We found ourselves at Nisei Lounge, where we were lucky enough to meet up with one of my friends from college.  That is, unless Nisei Lounge doesn't have two dartboards in the back.  If it doesn't, I'm not sure what bar we were at.  We left here to return to Clark St. and hit up Deuces, Irish Oak, Mullen's, Vines, and eventually Yak-Zies.  (You're very welcome for combining those into one sentence, since this is already getting too long.)  I really liked Vines, and I would like to visit there once when it wasn't a shit show.  They were even smart enough to have bathroom attendants, so it wasn't absolutely disgusting in there.  At one of these bars, we ran into 4 people dressed as toy soldiers.  After the fact, I was told that they looked like they were from Babes in Toyland, but at the moment, all I could do was sing songs from The Nutcracker loudly at them while making robotic toy soldier motions.  I was not the only one singing in our party, for the record.

Doing shots of cereal is another big thing at TBOX.

At Yak-Zies, my friend from college reunited with his group of bar crawlers.  This bar felt exactly like Elephant & Castle, which was one of my favorite pubs from bar-crawling San Francisco during St. Patty's Day.  It was very comfortable, very spacious, very easy to get drinks, and they had food, which was becoming a necessity again.  At one point, a taco truck pulled up outside, and Annie begged me to bring her food from it, but the nice gentleman at the door said he couldn't allow me to do that since they serve food.

I only needed one more sticker to finish my 12 bars (and Annie only needed 2), so we left our friends at Yak-Zies and ran to Trace.  [If you're doing the math, we had actually already been to 13 bars, but the first bar didn't count and neither did Exedus.]  For our sakes, I don't think we drank at Trace, but we quickly found our way to Raw Bar.  They didn't have any stickers left, but they did have amazing oyster shots with vodka, which we gladly partook in.  This was another bar that I would like to visit while sober.  We finally found ourselves at the northern-most bar of the day, Full Shilling.  This is where shit hit the fan for my female companions.  This is the bar that they remember least, and it's also the bar where they barely took a sip of the beers I bought them.  All they wanted was water.  Lots of water.  I felt like I still had my wits about me, but events that followed might prove otherwise.

We finished, but Annie would not finish those beers!

We were handed red bracelets to match the green bracelets we were handed to at the first bar.  (Remember those bracelets from the first bar?)  These bracelets signified that you had completed a TBOX bar crawl!  Happy with our success, we decided to swing back to Yak-Zies to pick up our fellow partiers.  We only actually got one person to go back out with us, and our first stop was Big G's Pizza.  For some reason, they had stickers, which we gladly accepted, but I was more interested in 3 more slices of pizza.  Also, we ran into the toy soldiers again.  I sang again.  I also finished their half-drank bottle of water after they left.  Could I be more obnoxious?  Annie and our friends decided to sit there for a minute to watch the Heisman ceremony, but I couldn't sit still.  From what I recollect, I stood up and said, "I have to go" and ran off to continue bar crawling on my own.

Annie's completed board, which wouldn't make it home with us

I got to check out Rockit Burger Bar, CubbyBear (again, but this one counted), and Sluggers before meeting them back at Casey Moran's.  I, technically, should have never seen Sluggers, but I walked in the door that they were reserving for the exit.  I had no clue, since nobody stopped me.  It wasn't until I gave up on the crowd and walked back outside that I saw the huge line to get into that bar.  Bernie's had also shut their doors and weren't letting anybody else in.  I remember being very angry at Bernie's.  I also have the slightest memory of reaching into my bunny pocket to find change for a homeless person and pulling out golden, chocolate coins instead of money.  (Most of us found these in our pockets the next morning.  Where the fuck did we get these?  Full Shilling?  Drunker than I thought...)  I gave the chocolate coins to the homeless man anyway.  I pray it was somebody just dressed homeless, since that's a dick move.  Casey Moran's would become home base for the rest of the night, and where we hailed a cab from to take us home, but I wasn't finished.

When I met up with everybody once again at Casey Moran's, I realized that my college friend, who had missed part of the crawl for a birthday party, hadn't finished collecting all the stickers for his TBOXopoly board.  Well, I was a self-proclaimed expert at this point, and I dragged him down the road in the search for stickers.  We went into one really fancy bar that, for the life of me, I cannot figure out which one it was.  We also hit up Dark Horse and Black Sheep, but I was just hunting for stickers.  I think we collected his last sticker at Nisei Lounge (a reappearance for me), and we celebrated with a round.  On the way back to find Annie, I swung in to Merkle's for a round in memory of Granny (who had her funeral at Merkle's Funeral Home in Monroe, MI, in June.)

We time-traveled back to Casey Moran's where I couldn't find Annie.  I remember having an overwhelming fear that Annie and her friend had gone home without me.  I had memorized addresses and cross streets, so I wasn't worried that I'd never see them again, but I do remember being worried.  It turns out they were on the other side of the wall dancing.  I got dragged over to their side of the bar, and I would never see anybody on the other side of the wall again.  I don't remember anybody leaving, but the next thing I knew that side of the bar was closed and they were gone.  Oh well, dancing and water was the name of our game. I also had one other college friend that was headed there at 10pm to meet us.  (What time did we start?)

By the time the new guy joined the party, it was an utter shit show, all parties included.  I ran off to try and collect my first friend who was wandering the streets looking for his lost jacket.  I got to see some spectacular text messages that were passed:  "Abe wow Itzel is: hooatsky earth brute."  Finally, just before 11pm, Annie and I hit a wall.

And it was a big, fast wall that we hit...

We walked outside and hailed a cab back to our friends place, having just left her at the bar.  We managed to get into her apartment.  I had to strip down out of the bunny suit at the door and head straight to the shower, because I was disgusting.  Annie immediately passed out on the airbed.  I, I'm told, came out of the shower screaming at her to drink water, fearing she was dead.  Then I passed out, too.

We woke up at a reasonable hour the next morning, but I think I was still drunk.  Our host had apparently brought someone home with her.  [Awkward palm tree.]  The three of us (sans extra guy) ate at a cool place nearby.  Unfortunately, I didn't get to meet up with one of my closest friends in Chicago since he and his wife had consumed too much alcohol the night before, also.  Once Annie and I sufficiently had our shit together, we got into our cars and headed back to Kentucky.  The weather driving home sucked.

Your weather sucks, Indiana,
~RoB

P.S. I'm pretty sure that my college friend who got really drunk and lost his jacket had this Red TBOX present on at one time, having found it beside the road, and eventually ditching it since it smelled:

Now it sits in front of Wrigley field.

P.S.S. I'm still unclear how I ended up with a purse strap (no purse) around my right wrist (go back to that last reindeer photo).  It looks like no purse anybody in our party was carrying...

Homemade-ish Shrek Costume

Halloween planning started almost a year ago when Annie saw the musical production of Shrek.  She called me on the phone, after seeing people running around in souvenir Shrek ears, to tell me that it would be a great costume.  I already look like an ogre, and she thinks she's a princess.  Perfect.

But this wasn't our first spectacular costume idea, so I was surprised when I started going through the motions to pull it off a few weeks ago.  It started at the Goodwill in the Tenderloin of San Francisco.  I needed a Shrek shirt.  So, I took these pictures and sent them to Annie for approval.

I picked the shirt on the left, and it cost me $2.50.  I also picked up the sweater below, that I intended to turn into a vest, for $7.50.

Angel is helping.

I chopped off (but saved) the sleeves and the bottom.  Though not pictured, I cut a line up the middle of the front, and I cut a strip from each side to tie together.

Then I went and got a $4 bald head.  Annie's Fiona wig ($18) was the only official thing that we bought, and it's pictured below.  Since she was going as human princess Fiona (even though I thought she was going as ogre Fiona for months until she told me that she didn't have the bust size to pull her off), she didn't need the ogre ears.  We pulled them off, and I cut the bald head so that they slipped through and held themselves in place against my head.

(I'm probably naked.  That's how I roll.)

Add to the whole ensemble a pair of brown, woman's tights that I bought from Wal*Mart for $6 and a brown belt that Annie uses to tie her sweater dress.  BAM!  Shrek!!

Like I said, we bought the Fiona wig.  Annie found a hideous nightgown at Goodwill in Oakland.  You can see what it looked like initially, and how she was taping off a pattern for the Christmas ribbon.  She snagged the tiara from the dollar bin at Target.

Annie used gold Christmas ribbon for her waist and neckline.  Then she used a glitter pen to make the sleeve piping and the flowery details.  We bought a dog's cowboy hat for Angel, and we removed the red strap and used it to line the hat.  We glued some yellow feathers to the hat, and added some black felt above his trail-climbing booties.  Finally, I took my leftover sleeves from cutting the vest, put them on my legs, rolled them down, and draped them over my Merrills to make ogre boots.  I did have to sew a little, to reinforce the vest under my arms, but since we didn't make the clothes, I feel bad saying it's entirely homemade.  Oh well.  The final product:

Shrek and Fiona and Puss in Boots wishing you Happy Halloween 2011.

There was one great moment where Annie was working on the neckline of her dress, but she had already done the waist.  She needed something (or someone) to wear the dress while she was pinning and Fabri-Tac-ing, etc.  She made me put it on.  Worse yet, the waist part couldn't go past my shoulders, so the whole outfit was scrunched around my neck, with shitty nightgown fabric draped down over my body.  Nowhere to put my arms, unless I reached them out from under the dress.  It was probably the best sight of the whole process.  We spared you the picture.

Making a Shrek costume (including $2 green Wal*Mart makeup):  $22.  Buying the official Shrek costume at a Halloween store:  $42.  Plus, if you actually pull off a good homemade costume, you feel super cool.

Up until the afternoon of the Saturday before Halloween (since it's on a Monday this year), our plans were to just go wander around San Francisco.  We're not really the type of people to pay a cover to go hang out with sexy nuns and schoolgirls where a DJ is playing.  We wanted something laid back.  At like 5pm we discovered online that there was a dive bar in north Oakland that went all out for Halloween.  It was described as looking "like a Spirit Halloween Store threw up everywhere".  We decided we could do that (and we could walk to it from our closest friends' apartment, whom we convinced to pull costumes together and join us).  It ended up being really fun, fairly inexpensive, very drunken, and everything we wanted out of Halloween.

Go Us!

Happy (belated) Halloween!
~RoB

Halloween Costumes

'round these parts, Halloween is a big deal.  By here, I mean Annie and I.  Not that we're big drag queens looking for the excuse to dress like a chick, get our nails done, put on our Womens' size 14 platforms, and paint the town.  Not that at all... not anymore at least.  That was so middle school / high school / couple of weekends in college...

Anyway, Halloween has been pretty fun since going to college (these photos really need no captions):

Most fitting costume I'll ever wear. Should've said 'Nozzle'.

Obligatory college toga costume.

My eyes are up here.

Yes, I'm in roller skates. (I have a scar.)

And Annie and I have done a pretty good job at couples costumes:

I could only find a pic at a bad part in the night...

At the end of last year, Annie came up with a brilliant idea for this year.  If we pull it off, it'll be quite fucking awesome.  Mostly because I look so much like the male-role in a famous cartoon couple.  I'll leave your mind to wander until I announce what we chose with pictures in early November.

The problem?  We've got high expectations.  You've got high expectations.  Wherever we go will have high expectations.  We've been trying to land the role as 'that couple' during Halloween festivities over the years, and our performance will have to be stellar.  How are we going to pull this off in the one free weekend we have between now and Halloween?

We've tried to make our costumes or find things at thrift shops that work (more Annie than I).  I think this is the first year where it would be totally possible for me to put my ensemble together without buying the professional costume, it'll just take a lot of work.  And some sewing.  I'm not very familiar with either of these concepts.

I hope we live up to my expectations, and that'll mean that you'll enjoy the costumes,
~RoB

P.S. Annie would be upset if I didn't tell this story.  Up toward the top you'll see a picture of me in shorty-shorts and roller skates.  While rollin' with my homies around Ann Arbor, some guy at a bar yelled something to the extent of "Dude, that chick's on skates."  This was responded to with "Dude, that chick's a dude."  She hasn't let that drop yet.  Not the first time I was mistaken for a lady.

P.S.S. The first time I was mistaken for a lady:  I literally did dress as a girl for Halloween for a few years in middle school.  The last time was probably 8th grade.  My cousin and I showed up to a lady's porch and yelled "Trick or Treat".  She came out with candy (best holiday ever).  She then went on to ask me what I was supposed to be.  In the deepest voice that I was able to muster at the time, I said, "a girl".  In almost a shriek, she replied, "Dear Jesus!"  I must've been pulling it off quite well.  I got almost two handfuls of confused adults by the time the night was over.

Fred Flintstone Poetry

There once was a guy dressed as Fred

whose girlfriend sprayed her hair red.

He thought it'd be fun

if he too sprayed his gun.

So good times were waiting ahead.

The party was Halloween Prog.

There was Spongebob and Scooby the dog.

A drink at each stop,

and you drink 'til you drop,

but the drinking was just a prologue.

They drank and drank and drank some more.

Fred passed out once and b'gan to snore.

It was quite a test

as they all progressed.

Fred managed to follow next door.

Fluorescent: the type of hair dye

Fred made Betty use for her guise.

At the end of the night

the dye glowed in black light.

So Fred decided to flash all nearby.

All near now have PTSD

because Fred flashed his wee-wee.

To the part he held true,

yelling 'yabba-dabba-do!'

Will a night beat this ever? Maybe!