Jack Didley's VIP Ouroboros

Though a few people 'liked' my Facebook status that was akin to the title of this post, I fear that not many of you are familiar with the ouroboros. It's the ancient snake-eats-tail symbol that's been interpreted as everything from the Wheel of Time to the phoenix to the cyclic nature of existence. I became most familiar with it via the [Title of Show] show, or t[ToS]s. By the end of this post, you'll understand our current relationship with the great ouroboros.

The only "nightclub" that we've experienced since moving to Eastern Washington is a local gem known as Jack Didley's. While locals have a hard time NOT hearing about how cheap drinks are at JD's on the radio (seriously, most specials are $1), our very first experience at the club was when Annie insisted that we go enter their Halloween costume contest. I won the male division. Annie won the female division. For winning, each of us were given $25 cash and a certificate for a free VIP party for 18 people at JD's in the following 90 days. So, we had 2 VIP parties to use. Had it not been for them forcing us to come back with these VIP party passes, I'm not sure that we would have ever returned. We're just too old to club in a 'small city'...

Though it took a few weeks to actually contact them, I was able to snag the heavily sought-after Ultra VIP seating area for last Friday, the 13th, in order to celebrate Annie's upcoming First Annual 29th Birthday Party. Since we depart for Tahoe this Friday, this past weekend was our last weekend in WA in 2013. I made a Facebook event, invited everyone who's profile said they were near 'Richland, WA', and said that the first 16 people that RSVP would get wristbands, while the rest that want to come would have to hang out on the dance floor with the other peasants. (We ended up bringing everybody we knew in the VIP area, because nobody gives a fuck at JD's.)

The very-classy Ultra VIP lounge's center-piece was, fittingly, a stripper pole. Nothing like eating a fancy Frost Me 'fetti cupcake-cake off of a stripper pole (with Woodford Reserve horse racing napkins):

Merry Birthday, Annie!

Well, some time around 1am, the mic guy (he's not the DJ, he's really just worthless and walks around yelling inaudible things into the mic all night) cleared the dance floor (and the elevated levels of stripper poles) for a dance-off. As the current King of JD's, I felt obligated to participate. I climbed to the top, danced the shit out of that place, and was asked to come back for the Finals, an epic battle of the sexes.

Then, it was the ladies' turn. Let's be real, for a minute. This was the saddest group of dancing ladies I've ever seen collected on a small stage. They all looked either roofie'd or rolling on E, humping the stage or the mirrors or the poles like a pack of horny chihuahuas. A few looked like they had itchy butts and were trying to drag them across the stage in order to scratch themselves. I cheered loudly for a particularly rhythm-deficient chubby girl, knowing she would be easy pickin' when it came to the final. Through a sad chorus of cricket chirps, a female finalist was selected. (Seriously, if you're the guy that came with a lady dancing on stage, it's your responsibility to cheer for her. Don't leave her up there in shame at an awkward silence.)

Then, it was time for me to shine. Rob vs Didley's Skank. Though she tried to woo the audience with her stripper moves, she had no chance against my ability to gyrate and shimmy every part of my body. She even tried to get up on me (slapping me in the face with her desperate flailing), but she was no match. The crowd voted, and the noise level made the decision quite clear. The King shall remain in his throne. I've heard that I looked very similar to this:

Annie made sure to point out afterward that it was not just our VIP section going crazy, the whole club loved it. One of the girls in our party even commented, "Even our boyfriends are cheering for Rob." Never underestimate my ability to not care at all how I look in public.

And what did they have for the winner? A VIP party for 18 people at Jack Didley's! (Where was the $25 this time?)

So, every time I go to Jack Didley's now, it's for a VIP Party. Also, every time I go to Jack Didley's, I win a VIP Party.

...and the snake eats its tail,
~RoB

P.S. The bartender at Didley's was the second person I've spoken to since meeting them as Miley Cyrus, and both people had no clue who I was, dressed in boy clothes and looking all normal...

Birthday Party: Part 2 - Nightlife

At this point, my birthday was almost 3 months ago.  That's how pathetic my blogging has become.  But dammit, I led you on, so here's the rest of the story.  The celebration of my birthday this year began with a wine crawl.

After dinner, Annie and I returned home, only to be picked up by two of our friends and dragged downtown to a club.  We started at Hugos.  The dance floor was smaller than I expected, but in general, there was more room than I'm used to at a bar.  I got a little drink on, a little dance on, and I apparently took pictures with strange men (note:  not a gay bar).

I don't know these guys. Not sure why he's touching me, but that last guy is Pitbull.

See, it's the same person.

I was wearing what I previously referred to as my 'lucky shirt' (it did nothing for me at the horse races, so it's now just a shirt).  I decided I needed to start unbuttoning to show people how cool my shirt was.

I was taking off my shirt. Annie was trying to stop me.

If you recognize that shirt, then you probably hung out with me in New Jersey for the summer of 2007.  Other than that, only one person has recognized it.  It happened at my favorite Champagne Brunch in L.A.  The guy who recognized it knew the people that produced the webseries, took a pic of me wearing it, and shook my hand.  Here's the show:

Anyway, we then progressed to Skybar.  The name sounded very cool and L.A.  However, it was just a lounge.  I continued to dance, even though I was the only one.  I continued to drink, too, though I was not the only one.  I'll probably never go back to Skybar, but I'm not upset for trying it out.  It was really cool to see how busy downtown Lexington gets at night on the weekends.  It's the most people I've seen walking around downtown since moving here.

The night ended, conveniently, at the iHop that's pretty much across the street from our house.  Downside:  there was a pretty long wait to get a table.  It was almost 3am.  Apparently, all drunken Lexingtonians had the same thought in mind.  We all wanted to eat so that we woke up the next morning.  I love me some stuffed french toast from iHop, so I was gonna wait however long it required for me to stuff them into my face.  Annie may or may not have zonked out while sitting in the booth.

Since my life is awesome, this wasn't quite the last interesting thing to happen.  Some bitches sitting behind Annie and our friend decided to stand up and tell us to stop pounding on the booth.  The girl that I was sitting next to, part of our crew, is about 6'6" and looks like she could kick all of our asses.  She asked me to let her out of the booth so that she could single-handedly fuck up this whole group, but I wouldn't.

Those bitches are lucky I didn't want to end my birthday party in jail,
~RoB

Birthday Party: Part 1 - Wineries

My birthday this year was on a Wednesday.  I turned 27.  Such an awkward number.  My birthday also happens to fall the day after Valentine's Day.  Annie and I had made plans to visit the most highly regarded winery in KY that evening.  Well, they were so busy on VDay that they decided to close for my birthday.  Kind of a bummer.  So, Annie took me out to dinner at a local place that was trying so unbelievably hard to be straight outta San Francisco.  It's called Table 310.  The food was great, but the wine wasn't spectacular (for a wine bar), and we both expected a little more from the dessert menu, since the pastry chef is in line for some big award.

So, we had decided to push the winery back to the Saturday after my birthday.  We actually decided to hit up three wineries in the same area southeast of Lexington.  We had a Groupon for one, and we were recommended another, so it all made sense.  We planned to leave at 4pm.  At almost 4 exactly, I opened my door to check my mail.  2 friends of ours were stepping up onto our porch.  Apparently, Annie had lined up another couple to hang with us for the day (and one to be a DD).  Spectacular!

We started off at Grimes Mill.  This winery is brand new (opened in September), and it's not even on the KY Wine Map that gets handed out at most of the local wineries.  I like 'off the map', and I liked this place.  They only have 6 wines, and they don't have the cheapest tasting ($6 for 3 wines), but it truly feels like a small, family winery.  We bought a bottle of their Bianca, which is a fan favorite.  I met both of the owners, one of which was the grower/winemaker, and we were served by the Tasting Room Manager.  Yeah, not a huge staff.  The best part was where I got all technical with the owner.  I asked him how crush worked in KY, what the residual sugar was on his moscato, and why he didn't have any Italian varietals considering his strong Italian heritage.  I told him I thought that Nebbiolo or Barbera might grow well here (my favorite Piemonte grapes).  That caught his attention.  Though he didn't know if he could find those vines anywhere nearby, he asked if I had any interest in working there.  More about that to come, I hope!

We then progressed to Talon.  Earlier that week, I had actually put in an application to pour in the tasting room at Talon.  They never responded.  I understand, I have 2 Master's degrees in engineering, but I totally would have worked for them.  I had already tried a bunch of their wines, but this gave me a chance to hit a few more on their list of at least 15 wines.  Tastings are typically $5 for 6 wines.  A couple wines weren't bad, but one was absolutely atrocious.  I seriously thought that I had found my first example of cork taint, but the flavors didn't match.  It didn't smell like trash, but a little like horse poop.  Apparently, that's a common thing for one of the local, popular varietals.  Though, they won't say 'horse poop'.  I did.  It was staffed by a bunch of guys that looked like UK students, so at least they kept the convo light.

We ended at Jean Farris.  Their cab just won a double gold at the San Francisco Chronicle wine competition, which is a big deal, especially for a KY wine.  I don't believe any KY wine has ever won such a prestigious award.  And the wine lived up to it.  Between the few of us that were still going (one girl hit her limit by winery #3), we managed to try most of their reds.  Their pinot was nothing special, but I really liked their merlot, and their cab sauv was delicious and perfectly balanced.  As we were sitting there enjoying a delicious cheese tray, another pair of friends walked in and wished me Happy Birthday.  'Cool,' I thought, 'Annie got another couple to come for dinner.'  Before I knew it, there were 11 people there, and we had a private room.  I felt so cool.

Though the service at the wine bar left a lot to be desired, our waiter in the private room was really cool.  The whole winery had an air of pretentiousness, which I'm really surprised with in KY.  Don't they know who their typical clientele are?  However, having lived near Napa Valley, we were used to it.  The food was amazing!  I got duck confit for the appetizer, and it was one of the better things I've eaten in the past year.  The large amount of wine may have had a little to do with it, but it was really, really good.  Twice now, I've considered walking in and ordering it by itself for a quick, delicious bite.  Most people got the special, and we went through 2 bottles of merlot and a bottle of riesling.  We spent a good deal of money, but again, coming from Northern California, it was a great deal.

This day is getting long, so I'll split it into 2 parts,
~RoB

Happy Birthday, Aunt!

Today is my aunt's birthday.  It's worth mentioning that my aunt was my bastion of hope growing up.  Saying that I didn't grow up with many positive role models is a slight understatement.  However, seeing that I had one sane family member with a happy life made me realize, early on, that people can survive my family and come out alright.

I remember that when things got particularly tough throughout my childhood, I would always consider calling her to come and get me.  I always pictured moving in with her to finish my childhood like a normal person, and her phone number was the first number I ever memorized.  I still know it.

I'm actually glad that I never had to move in with her.  My life story would be so much less interesting, and I fear that the high pedestal that I hold her on might have crumbled a little.  It's too hard to enjoy every moment with someone you live with.  That's life.

Thanks for introducing me to Phil Collins and Michael Jackson and Wilson Phillips and Madonna.  I owe any knowledge of classic rock to you (since my house played classic country music exclusively).  Thanks for getting me into Fossil Watches (I'm wearing one right now), and thanks for taking me to the Lion King when it came out, since I didn't get to go to the theaters very much until middle school.  You've spent way too much money on me over the years on Christmas and Birthday presents, and you were the only person to send me money when I started this blog, cuz you read between the lines that I was having real financial trouble.  You really are the cool aunt that everyone wishes they had, and I hope this is a great birthday!  Let's hope this is your last birthday in IL!

Yes, my hair was that long at one point!

Oh, and you're no angel either.  Don't forget, I drove you around after your party at Hooters in 2005.  You giggled like a sorority girl in the back.  I know you can party, and I know that your blog would be just as interesting as mine, if you wrote one.

So, Happy Birthday, Aunt!
~RoB

Today's Awkward Moments

First of all, let me explain that when I usually refer to my parents, I'm referring to my grandparents.  For most of my life I lived with (and was primarily raised by) my grandmother (by blood), Granny, and her 3rd? husband, Pops.  *Insert Golden Girls / Family Matters / Cosby Show / Walker, Texas Ranger jokes here.*  My mother was always kind of around, but she was super flaky, and it was better that I wasn't left solely in her hands.  Don't worry, when she was around we shared a bedroom (through high school), so we got tons of 1-on-1 time.  Anyway, my grandparents aren't really that old, since Granny had mom at 16 and Mom had me in her early 20s.  My grandparents are probably the same age as your parents.  I digress.

Today, Pops sent me an email, all in bold caps, with the subject: BIRTHDAY.

HAPPY 27TH B'DAY ROB! POPS

Thank you, Pops.  However, I was born in 1985.  This is actually my 26th birthday.  The only father figure I've regularly had throughout my life is apparently a little bad at math, or just doesn't know when I was born.

Other moment, though not birthday related, was during my pre-employment drug screen.
Tech: Sir, you understand this is a urine sample, right?
Me: Yes.
Tech: Are you prepared to donate right now?
Me: Always.

If you've read my blog from the beginning, you'll understand that I likely have some sort of bladder problem, since I pee constantly throughout the day.  My answer was truthful, but it made an already tense situation more awkward.  He just gave me a funny look as if he didn't quite catch what I said but didn't want to ask me to repeat it.  It's like I force these interesting moments in my life now.

Always prepared to pee,
~RoB

Annob's Valenbirthday Wine Weekend

Annie and I went on a little wine trip for my birthday, mostly, and Valentine's Day, coincidentally.  We stayed at Old World Inn, a B & B in downtown Napa.  Our plan was to walk downtown Napa so that we could taste a lot and not worry about driving.  That is exactly what we did.  We had initially planned to buy the tasting card, but our innkeeper gave us enough complimentary passes to deter us from that itinerary.  The Old World Inn was everything that's great about B&Bs without the grandma decor; the evening chocolates were the best (cake and chocolate covered strawberries set out for late night snacking).

Annie will probably provide a more detailed listing of the day on her blog in the upcoming days, but I would like to give a shout out to the lady that made my day, Trisha from Mason Cellars.  We were the only ones in her tasting room for about 30 minutes, so we talked for a while.  She gave us wonderful advice, the tasting was complimentary, and the wines were dirt cheap for Napa standards yet really good.  She explained the rise and fall of Copia (which we had toured years before) and even offered to drive any wine we bought that day (from any winery nearby) back to our hotel and drop it off for us.  We took her up on her offer, and she ended up dropping off almost an entire case of wine to our B&B (we only bought 4 bottles of Mason wine)!!

The juicy part: skip ahead 5 hours and 6 tasting rooms.  We decided to head back to our B&B for wine/cheese hour, and we thought it would be a good time to drop off our freshly purchased cabernet chocolate sauce from Ceja (amazing) and the other bottle of wine we bought there.  The wine hour wasn't all that interesting (I blame the clientele), so we went back to our room to prepare ourselves for more tastings, and eventually dinner.

Annie immediately passed out on the bed.  She woke up 30 minutes later and ran to the bathroom to throw up.  She didn't actually throw up, but laid down for a little na-na and waved her glasses around until I grabbed them and set them on the dresser.  She laid around for a while, so I snapped a few pictures of her on her fancy, new HTC Incredible.  Those of you lucky enough to catch them posted on facebook know exactly what they looked like.  She deleted them as soon as she got her shit together around 11pm.  I also snapped another picture that made it to twitter (and gmail), but that got deleted even faster.  Needless to say, we slept through our dinner reservation and didn't eat anything substantial until our amazing breakfast at the B&B the next morning.

Sunday took us on a little tour of Napa & Sonoma Valleys.  I'm hoping to write another post specifically regarding Bottle Shock, so I'll save the details for that future post.  We made one stop at Dry Creek Olive Co, where I am a member and receive regular shipments of fresh, amazing olive oil.  The day ended at Hook & Ladder, a favorite winery from our trip back in May.  I've long considered joining their wine club, since I loved so many of their wines from their last vintage.  As soon as we started tasting yesterday (a new vintage), I immediately filled out their wine club membership application.  I consistently love their wines.  They are the first wine club I've ever joined, and I'm super excited.

(Annob is what are closest friends called the two of us in college, cuz she followed me around like a lost puppy.  I made up Valenbirthday just now.)

Cheers!
~RoB

Birthday

It's that time of year again, and already things have been interesting.

I got my first birthday card yesterday.  It was from my aunt.  (I posted about my crazy family, but my aunt is the lone person that kept me this side of crazy as I grew up.)  It has a bunch of stuffed monkeys on the cover hopping around yelling 'Yahoo!!' 'Whoopee!!' 'This is gonna be great!!  I'm so excited!!'  The last monkey exclaims "I can't wait!!  I... I..." and the inside says "... I think I just pooped myself."  She signed it: "(maybe I should stop reading your blog) haha."  How perfect is that?  The check inside made it even better!  Thanks, Aunt!  (I don't use people's names other than Annie [and Angel]).

Today, at work, I easily got off next Friday to go skiing with Annie and all of her friends.  I told them it was for my birthday.  I also scheduled a drug screening on my birthday, so things can get crazy that night!!

Then things made a turn for the worse.  I came home, and Angel was in trouble.  He had eaten one of my birthday presents!  Chocolate covered Oreos that Annie had found in some fancy chocolate store.  This is the same dog that ate our roommate's cupcakes that I made her for her birthday.  Angel is the birthday ruiner (word?)!  (Don't name a dog Angel; it's setting everyone up for failure.)

We brought it back a little with a birthday card from my mom.  The front is a bunch of plastic flamingos and reads "If this is the first thing you see the morning after your birthday celebration, you may want to ask yourself these important questions:" inside "Am I naked?  Is this my front yard?  Who are these people...?"  Mom doesn't read my blog, but she apparently knows me nonetheless.  Only downer is that it came with a post-dated check.  That makes me feel really guilty... like she felt obligated to send me money that she can't afford.

Similarly, I never got a/an Xmas present from my grandparents, and I don't know if they'll send me a birthday present.  It's not really a big deal, but I wonder if they actually did send something and it was lost along the way.  Considering the current granny situation, I'm not going to ask.  Am I awful for caring rather or not they sent/are sending something?

Anyway, things are in full swing, and Annie is whisking me off to Napa for the weekend.

Hello, good wine, I've missed you,
~RoB

There's No Line...

... cuz I stole it, bitches!

Exactly one month ago, I started this blog.  It has been everything I needed:

• a way to connect to all of my peeps that I don't really talk to all that often (I hate phones!)
• a therapeutic journal documenting my currently chaotic life
• an artistic outlet that works on my writing so that I can publish a book one day
• a way to work on my comedic punchlines

I had over 2000 pageviews in January.  I'm hoping I can double that in February.  Facebook and Twitter are my only means of spreading the word.  If you enjoy this blog, feel free to pass it along to people that aren't already talking about it.  Not that I think it's all that amazing yet, but I truly think that my raw, line-crossing writing could be appealing to a lot of people (even if they don't really wanna talk about it).

If you have ideas that would make this blog better, or topics you'd like me to discuss, hit me up.  Nothing is too taboo, and I hope I can make the mundane insane!  I tried the DIETY segment, and I don't doubt that I'll continue it, but there's certainly room for more ideas.

Plus, smack-dab in the middle of this month lies my 26th birthday, so pass it on as a little digital present to me.

Here's to February,
~RoB

It's February!!

You all know what that means:
BLACK HISTORY MONTH!!!
Well, that's true, but that's actually not what I was thinking.

On Valentine's Day, 1985, when my stripper-named mother was eating a nice dinner with her (now ex- ex- ex-...) husband, she was rushed to the hospital in Hattiesburg, Mississippi with labor pains.  I was pooped out the following afternoon at 1pm.  My original last name was Henderson, but I was adopted by my mother's future (now ex- ex-...?) husband, making my last name Reed.

Robert Reed, the actor who played the father in The Brady Bunch, who died from complications due to HIV.  Awesome.  Robert was shortened to Rob in 6th grade.  There were like 5 Roberts in my class.  (Real unique name in the mid-80's, Mom.)  One kid grabbed Bobby, and I went for Rob.  I honestly don't remember how ~RoB came along.  I think I typed it accidentally one day at the bottom of my emails, and I liked it.  I've used it ever since.

Anyway, Annie made awesome plans for us to stay at a B&B in Downtown Napa the weekend before my birthday to drink a ton of wine.  That's a birthday!!

Tomorrow I have an interview at PowerWorks, the company in charge of the windmills in the Altamont Pass. So, I'll at least get a glimpse of renewable energy in my resume before my next job.  That'll help if I ever wanna go back to college.

Thursday night, Annie and I are heading up to Tahoe for Super Bowl Weekend.  I'll be rooting for NFC North for 2 reasons: they're representing the same division the Bears are in, and they're not the Steelers.

Let's hope that February will be the month that everything straightens out,
~RoB

Bacon-Wrapped & Blog Goggles

Too soon?  I don't really know the rules for how many times I can post in one day.  I'm kinda excited for this blog thing, though.  Technically, it's a new day anyway.

I drank a fair bit at Bigfoot West tonight.  Happy Birthday, Melinda!  Then I drove home.  Bad habit... eat me... they teach us bad things in the Midwest.  Anyway, in between I had 3 servings of the wonderful Venice Blvd creations that are: bacon-wrapped hot dogs.  An older Mexican lady stands in front of the carcineria (?) b/w S&S and Bigfoot selling her delicious wieners.  I get 'em with everything: grilled onions, ketchup, mustard, relish, mayo, and a grilled jalapeno.  I know, right?  $3 each.  Awesome.

So, blogger.com should have something similar to google's gmail goggles, where I have to do math riddles in order to post after midnight on weekend-nights.  I'd call it blog goggles.  It might help to avoid times like this when I might not be capable of  being witty.

Finally, I tried not to tell a single friend about my current predicament.  Sorry.  I have big problems personally asking for help, and I really didn't want to ruin Melinda's night.  Anyway, I came home after Xmas break to a flooded, moldy, and mildewy room.  Considering that it was the second time this has happened in the shithole apartment I live in, and the fact that I've been considering leaving UCLA for years, it just seemed like a good sign for me to flee La La Land.  I have to get up in 6 hours to let in the roach killers, cuz my apartment is awesome.  These were just the final straws that convinced me to go flop on my girlfriend's couch for the next few months as I figure out where I can get a job.  Let's hope this goes easier than it probably will.  What?  Whatever.

Go Blue.
~RoB