Best Interview Ever

I sat down at a conference table while the woman whom I had been corresponding with went off to get 'everyone else'.  They left me in the room by myself.  Well, with the dog.  There were 4 resumes sitting on the table.  I reached for the pile and quickly flipped through them.  One person had a PhD.  I knew whom I was up against.

The lady brought 4 gentlemen into the room.  They sat across from me, and things weren't going particularly quickly.  So, I just took over.  I explained my situation.  I was short, and blunt, and to the point.  The position that I was applying for paid crap, and I was applying everywhere to see where I might find something worthwhile.

My small diatribe seemed to answer most of their questions, but they still had a few lined up for me.

Interviewer 1:  Favorite movie of all time?
Me:  South Park, Bigger Longer & Uncut.  But Sister Act is a very close second.

Interviewer 1:  What's your favorite element?
Me:  (pause for comptemplation)
Me:  Lithium.  I have a tattoo with 3 electrons, so it would need 3 protons to be neutral.

[Side note.  My tattoo has 6 electrons.  I didn't know that on the spot, though I've spent years staring at it.  Carbon is much more fitting.  The basis for organic life.  I won't make that mistake again.]

Interviewer 2:  Can you build a nuclear reactor outside in that field?
Me:  In this country?  No.

Interviewer 2:  Can you help us put up some solar panels on the property to spite the coal company across the hall?
Me:  My experience is in wind energy, and I've seen more wind than sun as of late, but I'd be happy to help with either.  I'd glue a windmill to the top of my car so that they have to see it in the parking lot every time they look outside.

Interviewer 3 was happy enough with my responses thus far.

Then rapid fire:
Interviewer 4: Preferred search engine?
Me:  Google.
I4:  Preferred internet browser?
Me:  Chrome.
I4:  Smartphone Platform?
Me:  iPhone.  I still have the original, though it looks like it's been through a war.
I4:  Can you fix your own computer?
Me:  I've never had one so on the fritz that I couldn't, but I've reserved most of my stressful computer work for the companies or schools I was working for.  Somebody else was always responsible for them.
I4:  Star Wars or Star Trek?
Me:  I'm nervous to say this in a table full of techies, but neither.
I4:  Dogs or Cats?
Me:  Dogs.
I4:  On a scale of 1 to 10, how weird are you?
Me:  (slight pause)  4.
(general moans)
Me:  But my blog would probably prove otherwise.
I4:  Could you build a laser?
Me:  Yes, but not one that would cut through anything.

The rest was talk about their very progressive structure like public knowledge of every employee's pay on their wiki and profit sharing and how busy they keep.  My favorite line came from the creator of the company (who doubled as Interviewer 2):  "If we can find a way to cut someone, we will, and we'll share their money."  That surprisingly inspired me.  I don't want to work for a company with a bunch of worthless people.  I'd rather be paid more to be worthwhile.

Honestly, the money is about the equivalent at working at Walmart pushing carts.  But I've done that.  And the more that I think about it, that's been my best job now that I'm not going to be working at LLNL.  Maybe I should take a pay cut and just enjoy working somewhere fun.  Hell, right now I have no money, so I guess I should be happy for anything.

I have a Sugar Momma after all,
~RoB

Men are Even Better at Being Housewives

Thanks to my Sugar Momma, I'm still jobless, stuck at home all day.  So, I'm a housewife.  Except I can fix things.  Men win again.

Our shower faucet was weird immediately.  Apparently, rust was coming through the pipes and blocking our low-flow shower head.  I found a plumber's wrench, pulled it off, cleaned it out, soaked it in CLR, and reattached it in pristine condition (not forgetting the fancy latex tape).  It worked for a few days, but then it got all funky again.

So, I ran to Holmes Depot.  I found a screen that you can put in your hose before placing it on your outside spigot to stop whatever the hell might be living inside from clogging up your hose.  I brought it home, trimmed it down with my Cutco knife (yeah, I interviewed with 'em, too), and shoved that shit in the shower head.  Now it works perfectly.  You see any housewives with vaginas performing plumbing feats?

Then we came home to a leak one evening.  A new section of a pipe had been recently added above this section of the ceiling, and it wasn't quite tight enough.  It was fixed with a torque wrench, but it left some very noticeable damage.  So, my pimpmones started raging.

 Patched it.  Sanded it.  Even added that weird popcorn shit for the acoustic ceiling.

 

And painted it FTW!

If you're reading this blog, and you're a lady, and you can patch drywall and fix plumbing and Drano a drain (like I had to do yesterday), then you're a man.  Congrats.  Go eat a Cinnabon.

And seriously, Cinnabon tastes like trash every time, no matter how amazing it smells,
~RoB

Stay-at-Home Dad

Bill Burr's beat this one to death, but it is time to put in my two cents.

Oprah claims [stay-at-home] moms have the "most difficult job on the planet".  I call bullshit.  (Again, I'm not the first.  Bill put it together on his last special that Annie and I were at the taping of.)

I'm working part-time at the wind farm right now.  3 days a week.  When I started there, I was only supposed to be there for 6 months or so, before I went off to upstate New York.  When NY fell through, they had already hired two engineers to replace me.  They can't really afford to keep me on full time.  So this is what I worked out with them while I find something else.

At first, the two days off were supposed to be used to thoroughly search for a new job.  Instead, it has turned into typical domestic activity.  I clean and cook and hang with Angel and Zumba.  It's a blast.  This morning I went to a salsa class at the sports club I'm a member of.  I'm going chocolate tasting at 1pm.  Plenty of time to shower before I go out dancing tonight.  I'm one of the Real Housewives of Oakland on Wednesdays & Fridays.

Atlanta, the only one I ever watched.  I was on the couch for weeks after surgery.

Granted, I don't have any screaming kids making me want to force Nyquil down their throats for some quiet time.  However, I can't imagine it's all that bad.  You just watch cartoons, color, and eat candy.  Rough life.

For now, I'm able to catch up on a movies.  Read books.  Blog.  Grocery shop/post office/everything without lines.  Play games.

If you manage to place yourself in the arms of a sugar momma (like me, be jealous), and you get to be a stay-at-home anything, you've won life's big lottery.

Britney = Sugar Momma. I went there.

Nap time,
~RoB