Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Best Interview Ever

I sat down at a conference table while the woman whom I had been corresponding with went off to get 'everyone else'.  They left me in the room by myself.  Well, with the dog.  There were 4 resumes sitting on the table.  I reached for the pile and quickly flipped through them.  One person had a PhD.  I knew whom I was up against.

The lady brought 4 gentlemen into the room.  They sat across from me, and things weren't going particularly quickly.  So, I just took over.  I explained my situation.  I was short, and blunt, and to the point.  The position that I was applying for paid crap, and I was applying everywhere to see where I might find something worthwhile.

My small diatribe seemed to answer most of their questions, but they still had a few lined up for me.

Interviewer 1:  Favorite movie of all time?
Me:  South Park, Bigger Longer & Uncut.  But Sister Act is a very close second.

Interviewer 1:  What's your favorite element?
Me:  (pause for comptemplation)
Me:  Lithium.  I have a tattoo with 3 electrons, so it would need 3 protons to be neutral.
[Side note.  My tattoo has 6 electrons.  I didn't know that on the spot, though I've spent years staring at it.  Carbon is much more fitting.  The basis for organic life.  I won't make that mistake again.]
Interviewer 2:  Can you build a nuclear reactor outside in that field?
Me:  In this country?  No.

Interviewer 2:  Can you help us put up some solar panels on the property to spite the coal company across the hall?
Me:  My experience is in wind energy, and I've seen more wind than sun as of late, but I'd be happy to help with either.  I'd glue a windmill to the top of my car so that they have to see it in the parking lot every time they look outside.

Interviewer 3 was happy enough with my responses thus far.

Then rapid fire:
Interviewer 4: Preferred search engine?
Me:  Google.
I4:  Preferred internet browser?
Me:  Chrome.
I4:  Smartphone Platform?
Me:  iPhone.  I still have the original, though it looks like it's been through a war.
I4:  Can you fix your own computer?
Me:  I've never had one so on the fritz that I couldn't, but I've reserved most of my stressful computer work for the companies or schools I was working for.  Somebody else was always responsible for them.
I4:  Star Wars or Star Trek?
Me:  I'm nervous to say this in a table full of techies, but neither.
I4:  Dogs or Cats?
Me:  Dogs.
I4:  On a scale of 1 to 10, how weird are you?
Me:  (slight pause)  4.
(general moans)
Me:  But my blog would probably prove otherwise.
I4:  Could you build a laser?
Me:  Yes, but not one that would cut through anything.

The rest was talk about their very progressive structure like public knowledge of every employee's pay on their wiki and profit sharing and how busy they keep.  My favorite line came from the creator of the company (who doubled as Interviewer 2):  "If we can find a way to cut someone, we will, and we'll share their money."  That surprisingly inspired me.  I don't want to work for a company with a bunch of worthless people.  I'd rather be paid more to be worthwhile.

Honestly, the money is about the equivalent at working at Walmart pushing carts.  But I've done that.  And the more that I think about it, that's been my best job now that I'm not going to be working at LLNL.  Maybe I should take a pay cut and just enjoy working somewhere fun.  Hell, right now I have no money, so I guess I should be happy for anything.

I have a Sugar Momma after all,

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