Anonymous Fellatio

This was a great find during some down time on my old PC yesterday!  Here's the background.  I'm Mr. A.  A friend and I created this document in order to take it to our government/street law teacher.  We wanted to know if it was slander to spread malicious rumors, even if they were true.  We were also interested in any implications that threats or sexual harassment or libel (after we had printed this off) had in the legal realm.  We weren't interested in actually pursuing anything, we were just excited to have something interesting to examine in our otherwise boring class.

This incident did happen.  I still stand by it.  All names were removed when it was typed, since we were going to make it a hypothetical situation for our teacher.  The only alteration I've done is censoring the full name of my high school.

The teacher immediately turned the scenario into the school liaison officer, and Mr.'s A, B, & D had to all meet in his office to come to a resolution.  I just used big words and we all walked out.  Nothing ever came of it, which is really boring.  I clearly described where/when the incident happened.  We have cameras in the parking lot.  Either they weren't actually recording, or nobody had any interest in finding out if the story was indeed true, or the liaison officer beat off to the video.  Anyway, here's the scenario:

Mr. A, Mr. B and Mr. C witnessed Mr. D and Miss. E aggressively displaying public affection and in the act of fellatio on Thursday, February 14, 2002.  Between the times of 2:25-2:40.  After the act had taken place Mr. A, Mr. B and Mr. C had witnessed Miss E salivating with her car door open onto the asphalt.  The location of the incident that took place, was in Miss E’s car in the second row, fifth parking spot from the cross walk in the Jefferson High School Recreation Center parking lot, in which all students are required to park in.  At approximately 3:30 Mr. A and Mr. B returned to pick up Mr. B’s younger sister, Miss F.  Upon returning to the Jefferson High School parking lot Mr. A and Mr. B went to the approximate location of the happening and looked to see if indeed Miss E had salivated upon the asphalt with traces of Mr. D’s semen.  After a short examination Mr. B had found the salivation.  Without a doubt the saliva had contained traces of semen, perhaps Mr. D’s semen.     

Approximately half of the Jefferson High School Robotics Team and most of the Jefferson High School Jazz Band were told that on the day of or the day after, by Mr. A or Mr. B, of the incident.  The people belonging to there organizations were told that Mr. D and Miss E had been aggressively displaying public affection and in the act of fellatio.  In slang terms of course.
On February 21, 2002 at approximately 2:45 Mr. D met Mr. A and Mr. B in the math hallway in the Jefferson High School. At this time, Mr. D began to question Mr. A and Mr. B about spreading false allegations of him and his girlfriend, Miss. E, in the act of sexual intercourse in the school parking lot.  At this time they, Mr. A and Mr. B, denied all of the allegations that they were accused of.  Mr. D then stated that if he ever found out that they were spreading vicious rumors he would then beat the hell out of them. Accompanying Mr. D was Mr. G and Mr. H, who are believed to be in very close with Mr. D.

I didn't know I was such a gossip-y, little bitch.  I'm not that surprised to find out, though.  I am appalled at my grammar and lack of units on the times given.  I also can't really defend what we were thinking, other than trying to further legitimize that the incident did take place.

It's also fun to think that I was technically bullied, I guess.  I'm not very small.  Mr. B is a giant Hispanic, who I believe laughed at the threat to Mr. D's face.  Mr. D was some champion wrestler, or something.  He wasn't very smart, so we didn't talk much.  I never really considered it a legitimate threat, nor did I feel bullied.  Fun to think about though.

I guess what we learned today is: don't blow somebody in a high school parking lot, or maybe don't spread stories no matter how true they are, or maybe don't be a dumb jock in high school.  You can choose your lesson,
~RoB

Porn at Work

I don't know how things were when the internet first got going (I was a child), but I imagine it was easy for employees to roam cyberspace freely whenever their jobs included computer work.  It was super slow, so it didn't really matter.

Before long, employers bought software and hired IT people to control the websites that people could access at work.  No ebay, no facebook, no porn.  Wtf?  "The internet is for porn."

Well, the power has returned to the people!  Why?  Smart phones.

The other day I opened up my iPhone for something, and it still had a porn page open.  I giggled.  (You can lie to yourself and judge, or you can google 'iPhone Porn'.)

I didn't actually watch any, but I could.  Most of us can.  That's simultaneously screwed up and refreshing.  There's zero accountability now.  I can put in headphones and you wouldn't even know.  I could be sitting at my desk watching porn right now.  Or now.  I know I am not the first person to figure this out.  I pray that Michael Scott isn't taking advantage of this down the hall.

Do you have any clue what your boss is doing in his office with his door closed at this very moment?
~RoB

(He/she's probably shopping on eBay.  Bosses don't have sex drives, but they make more money.)

Bottle Shock

Have you ever seen Bottle Shock?  It's the best wine movie I've ever seen, though it didn't get a big surge until after it left the theaters.

The first time I saw the movie, I made a great wine-pairing dinner, and uncorked a bottle of pretty good wine (I think it was a Howell Mountain Cab from Mahoney, but we don't support Mahoney any more).  By the end of the movie I was pumped up on adrenaline and a little sloppy from finishing a bottle of Napa wine by myself in 109 minutes.  In my enthusiastic state, I decided to stagger down to Blockbuster to return/get another movie.  Somewhere along the trek, I remember talking to Annie on the phone and wildly gesturing with my hands, which led to the video flying into somebody's bushes right next to the window of their house, about 10 feet from the sidewalk I was walking on.  I'm sure they thought I was peeing in their bushes, if they noticed me at all.

Anyway, this was just to say that I really like the movie, and you should watch it.  In our Napa trip for my birthday, we ended up exploring more of the Bottle Shock movie then we meant to (we actually had no intentions of doing anything related to Bottle Shock... it just happened).  We went to Gustavo Thrace's tasting room (Freddy Rodriguez's character in the movie).  Then we drove off to...

Chateau Montelena!

I left with an autographed copy of Bottle Shock, signed by the real Bo Barrett.

I included this picture, not because it's focused or flattering by any means, but because there's so much going on.

Now if I can just get Chris Pine's autograph on it, too, cuz he's a hotty.

Chris Pine or Adam Lambert..?  Tricky, but definitely Pine (no goatee was the secret hint)!

What are your feelings on a red wine (w/ grapes?) tattoo on a dude?

~RoB

Is This Ironic, Alanis?

On Saturday, Annie, myself, my college roommate, and his girlfriend all went to a wine tasting event in Alameda (a little island next to Oakland).  If Annie doesn't write about this event in her blog, I'll try and talk about it later this week (Holla to my new friends from the back room... you know who you are!).  Annie 'went to bed a little early' after the event, which meant she got up an hour or two before me on Sunday morning.

She had plans to travel with one of her friends to the Alameda Flea Market.  I had no interest, since flea markets are dirty.  I know, I've heard several times that this one is fancy.  All I can think of is Gibraltar Trade Center, though (only Michigan natives might know what I'm talking about).  Maybe one day I'll scrounge up a picture of young ~RoB in a t-shirt with his name airbrushed across the front.  Nothing like some good ol' redneck flea market merch!

Anyway, I woke up and made plans to play tennis.  When I got down to my car, I realized Annie was parked behind me.  Problem: Annie took her keys to get back in the apartment later.  So I called her, and her phone was off.  I had to cancel tennis (Annie's spare car key is currently at her grandfather's).  Finally, I got a hold of her and she said that she had thoughtfully removed her car keys from her oversized keychain and left them on the table.  They should have been on the key hooks, avoiding the whole situation, but I'm not going to complain when she obviously thought this through before leaving.

So, I called and rescheduled tennis.  I drove Annie's car to take Angel to a dog park near the courts, met my friend, and played tennis.  We played for 2 hours or so.  When we were finally worn out, and I was pulling all of my stuff out of my tennis bag, I saw that my phone had 24 missed calls, 5 voicemails, and a plethora of text messages.  Here's how those texts went:

It is amazing how much of her increasing frustration you can feel as the anger crescendos and eventually peaks, jumps off a cliff, and leaves a defeated, raving psychopath with nothing left but soft-spoken hatred.

It turns out that when I drove away in her car, I did to her what I had accused her of doing to me merely minutes before.  I had her car, and my apartment keys have my car key on them.  (Our apartment has collectively lost my spare car key.)  Her soccer match started at 1pm.  She was supposed to be the 3rd girl, otherwise her team would have to forfeit.  She wasn't very happy to see me, even though I raced home to pick her up and drive her to her match.

When I told this story to our roommate, I said that it was 'ironic that I did to Annie what I accused her of doing to me'.  Is that ironic, though?  At least cosmic irony?  Alanis Morissette seriously screwed up my definition of the word ironic, after it was once explained to me that not a single incident in her song (titled the same) is technically ironic.

Isn't the fact that a whole songs was written about a word, yet the word was inappropriately used... well isn't that ironic?
~RoB

Cycle of a Food Addict

There are some people out there that love food, yet don't have the body shape to show for it.  For all the rest of us, the euphoric feelings we get from amazing food, instead of treating us nicely, slowly increase our blood sugar, add rolls to our muffin tops, and increase our risk for every bad ailment under the sun.  (How cruel is it that even the cutesy description given to the overhanging tummy of an obese person sounds yummy?)

Anyway, I just went through another 'fat cycle', and I thought I would let you all in on what it's like.

Day -1: You get on a scale, and the numbers that pop up are about 10 pounds more than you were last time you were brave enough to get on (and about 25 pounds more than it should be for someone your height).  Mild depression lingers on the edge of your emotions, but you shrug it off.

I hate you.

Day 1: You wake up and decide that this is finally the time to take over your diet and really lose the weight.  You'll be hot in no time, if you just stick to it this time.  You have a healthy breakfast, marking down everything you ate and all of their nutritional contents.  You've trimmed your regular intake back, and you're ready to fight hunger face-to-face.

Day 1.5: The hunger is as you expected.  You keep opening that cupboard (or desk drawer at work) to snag one little extra sweet thing to hold you over.  Ha, hunger, those cookies got thrown away!  You're serious this time.

Day 2: You wake up happy to have defeated your first day.  You know the first few days are the hardest, but you are going to work just as hard today.  Planning each meal and snack of the day already seems like an endless task, but those skinny people must do it, so you will, too.

Day 2.5: The hunger is apparent, but you've already defeated it yesterday.  You are rock solid, because you are serious this time.  Avoid commercials, avoid talking about food, and certainly don't look up the menu to that restaurant you've been thinking about trying.  Even though its your present to yourself  after you've shed some of this weight.  Hunger is still hanging out back there, deliciously in full-color in your mind.

Eat me.

Day 2.7: You are out for your first jog in a very long time.  You are surprised how much energy you have.  This must be the secret.  Eating well and keeping track of everything gives you energy.  It will only get better from here.

Days 3-5: You've been amazing.  You even sneaked on the scale to get a glimpse of your progress.  You've totally lost some weight, and you are interpolating how much more you can lose by the next big holiday.  People are going to be so proud of you when you walk in showing off that new bod.  You've been exercising, you've been eating right.  You've been perfect.

Day 6.5: You've been perfect for a whole week now.  You haven't had a single dessert.  You've been chewing gum or sucking on cough drops to curb cravings.  You're out with friends at dinner, and you decide that you're going to treat your hard work with the dessert menu.  You're not going to go crazy, but you definitely deserve it.

Day 7.5: You've had no energy all day.  Hunger has shown up with friends.  All you can think about is how good that small dessert was last night.  Maybe you should buy something dessert-y and treat yourself a few times a week, in moderation, in order to keep yourself on track.  You swing by the grocery store and pick up a package of oreos.

Day 7.8: A good movie is on TV.  It's Sunday and you have to work tomorrow.  You're just going to relax and watch the movie.  Wouldn't it be fun to have a few oreos?  Technically, you've been really good, still.  This is a perfect opportunity to work on deliciousness in moderation.  Those salads have been quite drab, haven't they?  So you pull the package into the living room with a glass of milk.  You pull out 3 cookies, because that's what the nutritional info says is one serving.  You slowly eat each cookie, trying to get as much of the orgasmic, sugary goodness from each bite that you can.  The third cookie is gone, and you feel like you barely had any.
3 more cookies come out, but you've sealed the cookies this time.  You're serious.
The movie is pretty good.  So were those other three cookies.  Ok, one more, and you take them back to the cupboard...
You sit down, but now you are starting to care less about the movie...
You realize that you had 1 cookie, so you might as well eat 2 more to make it easy to calculate the nutrition in your log...
You get up to grab 2 cookies, but you know you have to leave those cookies in the cupboard or you'll just eat more...
Those cookies are done, but the movie is still going...
You blink, and the package is in front of you... empty.

Day 8: Guilt.  You'd been doing so well.  This is precisely why you are fat.  You have no self control.  Yes, the oreos were amazing, but you really have to change the way you look at food if you're ever going to change.

Day 8.7: Fuck it.  I already ruined it last night.  Let's order the pizza from the commercials that I keep seeing.

Day 10: You've pretty much gone on to business as usual.  You decide it can't be that bad.  You did, after all, have a whole week of watching your diet.  You step on the scale.

Fuck you.

Day 10 becomes Day -1.
The cycle continues.


You have no clue how many times I had to replace 'I' with 'you' in order to make this about all of us, instead of my battle of the bulge.  I'm hoping the recognition that all of us go through this motivates both myself and any of you that struggle with food and weight (and even body image).

I've heard the secret is to not make drastic changes overnight, but I've always been a very black-white/yes-no/no compromise person.  One day it'll work out, though, right?

Hopes he's in a prolonged Day 3 mode, but knows he just had a Day 8,
~RoB

Pimpmones (Reprise)

 In response to my first pimpmones post, where I exclaimed "I'm officially dubbing the word pimpmones; get that sh*t on UrbanDictionary stat," I received this email yesterday:

Thanks for your definition of pimpmones!

Editors reviewed your entry and have decided to publish it on urbandictionary.com.

It should appear on this page in the next few days:
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=pimpmones

Urban Dictionary

-----

pimpmones

Man hormones.

1. When a guy is a raging pile of manliness, it's because of these.

2. When a bitchy guy is on his cycle, it's because of these.

3. Sometimes used to mean steroids.

It must be his time of the month, cuz his pimpmones are flowin!

That lumberjack must be 99% pimpmones.

I don't know whether or not I should be excited?  I certainly appreciate the opportunity to influence our youth.

I should totally get a mug made,
~RoB

The Voice

The Voice is the new vocal competition on NBC.  I Love it.  It's filling the hole that American Idol left when Simon departed, much like NBC's Sing Off.  For those that don't know, I was one of those crazy AI freaks.  For the past few years I ran a bracket where my friends and I competed to guess who was going to be voted off each week.  It was a great time.  It was hard enough seeing Paula leave, so I pretty much boycotted this season when all the other worthwhile judges departed (especially after hearing they were going to have challenges and crap like that during the best week of all, Hollywood week).

Anyway, The Voice is all about blind vocal judging, with some of the most popular voices of our time as judges/mentors.  Somehow they turn it into a competition between the judges, but I'm not really worried at all about that.  I'm just excited to see how it proceeds.  Let's hope that they don't start letting America decide, because people like VFTW really frustrate me.  (Though I do kind of like VFTW, because they're really big AI fans, though they pretend not to be.)

Try and find the cool version of Gnarls Barkley's Crazy sang by the 4 judges, since it is no longer in the previews on the website.  Also, though I'm always frustrated by the sappy stories each contestant has to have to get into a competition these days, holla to my girl Frenchie Davis for never giving up!  How great was it that Cee-Lo recognized her!?  I know some people have said she's had too many chances.  Let's be serious, people, she got booted off Idol for a teenage mistake.  She's got a great voice.  She inspires me.

One thing bothers me, though.  Can we please get rid of Carson Daly?  Sorry, Carson, but you look too old (and skinny, wtf?) which makes me feel old.  Did your head always look like that?  You are forever supposed to be trapped on MTV hosting TRL dating Jennifer Love Hewitt.  You were on top of if as we rolled over to Y2K.  You have nothing to complain about.  Sorry.

Soon 37-yr-old Zack Morris will be trying to come back,
~RoB

Oh shit, Raising the Bar!