Wednesday, November 6, 2013

I Hate Movember

I've always cracked jokes about Movember, but it's always been to hide my true feelings. I'm finally gonna come out and say it. I hate No Shave November. There's never a period that I feel more like a pre-pubescent child than when everybody's out wagging around the freshly-grown Chia pets above their lips.

Why does it get to me so much? Well, here's the best that I can do after a full month of growing the 'stache out:
Am I naked? Probably. 'stache is still grosser.
Annie was gone for almost the full month of March, so all I had to tend to were math and Zumba classes in KY. It was my first chance to actually give facial hair a shot (since she'll shave it in my sleep when it starts to look anything like this). As I look at this pic, I think, why didn't they fire me for being a dirty creeper? The truth:  it's so little facial hair that you can only see it when you're as close to me as this phone was. Close enough to see how buck my teeth are. Yet, you'll never, ever be that close to me. Ever. Unless I'm drunk. Then all bets are off.

That one pic not good enough for you? Check out all of this glory:

I shaved it all off in steps, so you could see me with just the creeper 'stache. However, I apparently grow a wiry goatee that couldn't actually be more goat-like. I'm very proud that my face is generally acne free. I have no complaints there, but trying to grow that bird's nest outta my face kept causing big breakouts. Keep in mind that there was NO SHAVING here. That's the splotchy hair problem that plagues my face (aside from it's lack of growth).

Want more info (but less pictures)? I don't really grow hair anywhere. I have armpit hair. I have... ummm... cabbage patch hair? More like kiwi patch. Amirite? Other than that, not much. I have literally 3 hairs on my chest, which make the vertices of an almost perfect right triangle. If I was positive that I was never going to grow any more chest hair, I'd probably get a tattoo connecting them. I have a little peach fuzz around my belly button, but my arms look shaved, and my legs have sporadic, short wiry hair in splotches, not unlike my face (especially my milky-white upper thighs). It also feels like I have three or four hairs sprouting from my butthole, but that's only been confirmed by touch.

Now that you've seen my personal reasons for hating the celebration of body hair this month, we can go on to the more universal problem. Why does facial (or body) hair have to be some sort of symbol for manliness? I can get you pregnant just as easily as some Billy Gibbons impersonator. I can lift things. I like meat.

I'd like to believe that it's just in the name of prostate cancer awareness. If that were the truth, then I'd be happy to confirm with everybody that I'll be getting my butthole diddled by a professional once I get into my upper-30s. However, if you think that everyone is growing it out just for awareness, then you are lying to yourself. That'd be like saying chicks only grow big ol' titties for breast cancer awareness. Nope. It's to show off. The next big 'stache you see this month, ask them how much money they raised for the PCF. If they say they did donate, ask them if it was just so they could wear their disgusting lip caterpillar to work.

The other option:  apparently it's cool to either draw a mustache on your finger and hold it up beneath your finger, get the previous drawing actually tattoo'd on your finger to be 'ironic', or to crochet some facial hair or create it out of some other crafty items. You're right, that'd totally make me feel like my pride is intact.

Can't we all just wear ribbons and jerseys for another month?

P.S. I do feel like my lack of facial hair is the reason I still get asked for my ID quite regularly. Even with my license, a bartender at a swim-up bar probably wouldn't serve me. Young looking. I'm ok with that.

P.S.S. I do grow an enormous amount of nose hair. I've talked about letting it go, and maybe having some kind of Movember comb-over starting from my nostrils. If I could do it without gagging just thinking about it, then I might attempt it just to prove a point.

1 comment:

  1. You definately have way too much time on your hands, although quite entertaining!