It turns out that I may not be going to NY any more. It also turns out that I have way more emotional problems than was once thought. Why? Given the opportunity, I've reverted immediately back to 'What the fuck am I doing with my life?'-mode.
For those of you that have been reading since the beginning, you have some idea of the chaos that was my life at the beginning of this year. (Quitting school, peeing in bottles while driving, pooping myself, constant angst [go back to January and enjoy those posts]). On Wednesday, Annie got a call that was supposed to solidify our plans in moving back east. The call didn't go so well, and now it doesn't make sense for Annie to leave her current job. So, she's likely staying in the Bay Area.
I am trying to settle on the fact that I no longer want to not be with Annie and Angel, so I'm planning on giving up the job I was offered in Schenectady. It is not going to be easy, since it may complicate (or outright impede) any future attempts of getting a security clearance. Also, I signed something, though I can't find it, so I can't wait to hear what the stipulations are for backing out. Career search starts over, and now I return to the constant feeling of impending doom (at least I have a small income right now).
Why is being a real person so difficult and depressing? (Real person means not-a-student, though grad school in L.A. was certainly difficult and depressing.) I should just go back to UCLA and stick it out.
I can't go back to UCLA...